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No title.. just me. Things are going really well here. We are continueing on breaking patterns, forming new ones.. breaking them.. blah.. He holds so strong to his patterns. But, funny thing is, once he breaks them.. that's it.

Work is stressful. I'm tired of it. The mockery, the back stabbing.. the stress in general. Even some guilt that I feel I should have said something.. but, I just wanted to stay out of it. Maybe that was for the best, but knowing the fall out hurt a co-worker makes me feel guilty. I wish I could just take some time off, or not work all together, though that really isn't an option. I just go in.. do my job, feel invisable most of the time. I know it will pass.. work stress always does. But, it sucks.

The snow has come.. decorations are all strewn about. Harry Potter 7 was AWESOME!! Can't wait for part 2. Here at home time is flying fast. I don't know what I need.. but I need something. Maybe a pedicure :)

Shopping is almost done.. just Jason and the parents. I should have that done by the beginning of next week. oh, and stocking stuffers! I made a new friend, and she's been wonderful. It feels so good to have someone to call and just 'chat'.

Find Something Different

So funny, Nathan has been playing.. Find Something Different. He would move things around in the rooms, usually about 4-5 things and ask me to find what's different. It could be a remote control in the plant, table centerpiece on the floor.. or something more vague that makes me ask.. what did you do? It's fun and quite humerous his imagination until we are looking for something we need! Like keys in the fridge... man, he makes me laugh.

It's funny how having a special needs child can escelate such emotions out of a mother. Where milestones are cartwheel worthy, and other emotions can bring you down to your lowest, or fly you up to the skies. He started his therapeutic riding and I have to tell you it swelled me up with such pride to bring tears into my eyes. He's a natural up on that horse, named Spicey which he talks about endlessly. He wears a purple harness, so he says the horse is brown with purple stripes.. lol. They play games on the horse, stop and go.. where he has to say Whoaa and walk on horse! They sing head and shoulders and have to reach forward to touch the horses ears, and reach back to the tail. They spread their arms out like an airplane.. and to see the faces of ear to ear smiles will forever be imprinted in my memory.

There is one boy who is non verbal, and he just couldn't stop smiling the second he was up on the horse to the very end. He would just flap his arms, pat the horses neck and grunt noises.. clearly very happy!! Last week they even did a little trot!

Hallowe'en was a success. I wasn't overly worried, the biggest problem we had was waiting for the night! One night, he would NOT go to sleep until he went trick or treating! Jason had to bring him to the calandar and count down the days.. 3 more sleeps! I can't wait for christmas!!! Hahahaha!!!

Speaking of which.. he wants EVERYTHING!!! for Christmas. Every commercial.. I want that for Christmas.. if a girl toy comes on, he says I don't want that for Christmas.. its a girl toy, I don't want that one. Last year, Dec 14th we got his diagnosis. Stoopid me decided to take the afternoon to the mall to get some shopping alone time in. Well, at that time Nathan wouldn't ask for anything! I used to think I was so lucky and what a good parent I am that has a child I can take out and not want anything. Then I found out why. Anyways, I was in Walmart and a grandparent was with a grandchild who excitedly pointed out all the toys he wanted for Christmas. I broke down crying right there. (I'm crying right now, remembering) It was like my whole world crashed in on me. My son doesn't ask for anything, and that's not normal.. he hardly plays with the toys he has, cause he doesn't know how to play. I left the mall and just sat in my car.. thinking, remembering.. dying inside. Now, I have a child who LOVES to play!! and creatively too! Asking for everything he sees!

Last year, around the middle of November, I started getting Nathan ready for Christmas. Asking what does Santa do (brings presents) what does santa say (ho ho ho). ENDLESSLY did he say I dont' know.. or nothing at all. And I would ask a few times a day. Then one day in December, I ask ok, Nathan.. what does santa do? "Brings presents" OMG! What does santa say? "Ho HO HO! oh my double God!! Tears streaming down my face! And what do you want for christmas? "a car! two Cars" !! *laughs* yes.. I went out and bought him his cars! yep.. escelated emotions.. so huge.

Challenging day

Nathan is being very challenging lately. Getting rigid again, trying so hard to hold onto his patterns. He's upstairs working with Liz, having a mini meltdown over a puzzle. And, I hear him calling MOMMY!! I just have to say, No. He wants his control back, and over different things trying to control his play, walking, even his therapy work. He's purposely leaving things out, acting his foolishness and being whiney, bossy and crying. None of us are having it, which is making him try the harder.

This morning he got very mad at me at a colouring page before Liz came over. Normally, when I don't colour the way he wants to, and gets mad at me I say, fine.. I dont' want to colour with you and pack it all up to put away. This morning, he said to me that he didn't want to colour with me, and went to get a toy to play with his cars. Of course, he demanded I play with him. I told him no, I am going to finish colouring this picture. I wouldn't play with him until I coloured the picture. And, if he continued to be bossy I won't play cars with him after. He focused up, and waited for me to finish, then I played with him.

All morning he's been challenging Liz.. she even confessed to me she's never seen him act like this. She also goes to his preschool, so has gotten to know him quite well. Now, I have to confess I like it when he acts like this infront of his workers, as he does this to me all the time. But, it is getting rather frusterating and hard. He got really upset the other day when I had a friend come over with her 2 girls and they coloured 'messy' in his book. So, I took the page out of the book and said they can colour how they want to. It will be OK, cause its not in your book. After, he got really upset cause the girls left toys on his chair in his room. No big.. just put them away. He's normally really good about things like this, which makes me wonder if I shouldn't just go in his room and totally rearrange his toys.

I think something is happening at preschool that is bringing out these behaviors. But, we don't know what. Something he sees or hears, that we aren't catching. I don't know. It's the only thing I can think of. For a good couple of weeks he wouldn't kiss his dad when he left or came home from work.. or before bed, a good morning.. etc. Boys don't kiss boys.. Hmmpfff. And attitude stance, oh my! We've been working on this that it's ok to kiss your daddies, grampa's, and hug your uncles and aunts. Expressing deeply how important his father is, and it's ok to show love with a kiss. And for friends, and at preschool a 'high five' is the cool way to show you like them. This upsets Jason greatly, but he won't let Nathan get away with it. Even if he has to hold him down.. he's getting his hello and good night kisses. We mentioned this to Laura, who chose her words similar to what we were saying and explained to him it's ok to kiss your daddies, etc. Yesterday, he gave Jason a big hug and kiss. Sometimes he just has to hear it from someone else.

I am SOOO proud of the way he handled a scuttle situation at preschool. One of the boys pinned Nathan against the wall with his throat. Nathan USED HIS WORDS!!!!! (WOW) and said Stop it! It hurts, Not nice!! No pushing!! The teachers seperated them, made the other boy not play with anything until he apologized to Nathan. Next they were playing fine with each other. But, I know it scared and hurt Nathan, he talked about it a couple of times. What do I say? I tell him how proud I am how he handled it so well, and that it was mean for him to do that, and to remember how that feels and not do it to anyone else.

I know things have been crazy here. And still getting into the swing of preschool and his workers, plus us, and company. The company and traveling are all done with for now, so I thought things would start acting normal again. We'll just have to wait and see. Maybe he is just still tired.

Catching up

Things have been absolutely crazy here. The past month involved starting a new preschool, Jason going away for a couple weeks on a course, my dad coming up from Ottawa, a visite from my mom, a weekend at the in-laws, and a final visite from my dad and Marion. In some ways I see Nathan's progressions and in other ways I see him getting worse. I'm really hoping this is just because of all the transitions and new things.. oh.. I forgot, he also has a new ASW working with him.

He has been doing more oral stims, sloshing spit around his mouth / tongue. Sticking his tongue in and out.. other oral things, sound makings etc. And his side gazing has come out more as well. He's doing well controlling his frusterations when we try to break his rigidness.. but its hard. It's hard on us. To see him this way, the struggles he is dealing with within school and at home.

The other day in preschool he had a turn with the scissors and he drew then cut out a sword, with handle, hilt and blade. Very impressive :D He loves swimming and is getting the rules down that he can go by himself without the help of a TA. Tomorrow we are going on a field trip. I volenteered my time to go with them, and I can't wait!! We're going to the country pumkin ( a place we have gone numerous times as a family ). It will be his first time on a bus, and I can't wait to see his face :) And watch him with his peers.

Nathan handled himself very well with his daddy gone for that length of time. He did say that he missed him. And asked throughout on and off "where's daddy?". He showed some behaviors, but nothing serious enough that a little time out didn't calm him down. Feeding is still on going, but we are making huge progress! He's had scrambled eggs, cheese whiz, mashed potatoes, fish sticks, and lucky charms with milk in it, some noodles, but he isn't fond of those at all! And the other day at Timmies' he asked for a donut.. he had 2 bites before he couldn't take it anymore. That was his first donut, ever!

We had a short, but busy visit with the in-laws, and I had a chance to talk to Jason's mom and sister. I feel good that I was able to add some insight, and so very proud of Nathan, for them to see him and know him a bit more. I encourage you to ask questions, and add support. We love you :) We all fell in love with the babies. And had our share of snuggles and cuddles. Even Nathan showed love and gentleness and concern. There was only one situation that had me concerned when the babies were crying, Nathan put his hands over his ears and was crying himself asking for it to stop. Once he passed that, he was fine.. and continued to be fine when the babies would cry again.

We are have a fabulous time with Dad and Marion. It always goes so quickly though.. I insist we need one more day!!! Maybe next year :( I'll have to get on their case about that. I'm sure I'm leaving things out.. and I am going to try and post more often, so when I do post it isn't so long and scattered. I can add more detail on what is going on :)

Thinking of ya's

I'm still here.. Been thinking alot of what to post.. so much to catch up on. I'll be back in a couple of days and fill in.

Have a good weekend :)

Bold Cashier

Just sharing this because I kinda thought it was comical. We were at a department store this afternoon and it was pretty busy so we had to wait in line. Nathan was literally bouncing off the walls. I'm the type of mother who follows the rule that just what I think is cute.. others do not. So, I'm saying to Nathan stand like a pencil.. or sit still with your hands on your lap.. To no avail.. hehe.. He just keeps giggling, jumping, dancing.. acting completely foolish.

Mind you.. he only hit the old man in front of us, and thankfully, older people tend to like children and only laughed and tried to talk to Nathan, which unfortunately just 'egged him on. By the time we actually got to the greasy haired teenage cashier everyone was watching him. And he knew it.. so he continued on with his foolish show.

Finally, I got my purchases bagged and ready to go, there were about 4 people waiting behind me, thankfully, they seemed patient enough with my handfull. The cashier said to me.. " he seems young right now, but if he keeps bouncing around like that, you should go get him diagnosed. He might be ADHD. I was stumped for a second. Then looked her in the face and said, "Actually, he's been diagnosed with Autism.. has been for a couple of years now."

OMG! You should have seen the look on her face! A couple shades paler, mouth smaller with a silent 'oh'. HAHA.. then I said, and you should be more careful who you say that to. Then gathered my purse and left not even looking back.

Mashed Potatoes

This fall is our goal to get Nathan eating properly... well.. at least more of different foods. It has been an endless battle between my husband and I for a couple of years now. We are both frusterated with Nathan's rigidity towards foods to the point where if the chicken nugget has specks of black from the stoneware, he won't eat it. Over the summer, during snack time we got Nathan to eat cheese and grapes. Now, he goes for cheese first.. grapes are still inconsistent, but with prodding will eat them. Banana's are still hit and miss. He hasn't eaten his cereal with milk in it since that day he blew me away :( And last week, after a 45 minute battle over toast and peanut butter, he ate cheese whiz sandwhich cut out in cookie cutters in shapes of tools for his afternoon snack.

Now, I know when he does go to school he has cheese whiz and cheese he can take. I try my hardest to keep him on healthy snacks, meals.. but it is always the same. So, fast forward to the now and our committment to get Nathan to eat 'meal food'.

Today, Laura (his worker) and I tried mashed potatoes. It was tough, but with a heavy reinforcer he ate it!!! At supper, with the same reinforcer he ate the rest of the mashed potatoe. My husband wasn't keen on the 'toys at the table method' but it worked. And I have to tell you all.. I broke down crying. All of a sudden my chest and throat swelled up, and my eyes got teary. I got a picture in my head of taking Nathan to my parents.. or the in'laws and putting mashed potatoes on his plate and him eating it!!!

I know we are into a battle. We'll meet many shields and reinforcers will wear off and have to figure out new ones.. and who knows what will happen tomorrow when we try the mashed potatoes again. And then carrots... etc. I'm not going to push meat, he's on chicken nuggets and I want to keep them familiar on his plate as we are introducing different textures, tastes and colours.

If anyone has any advice, recipes or ideas.. please share :)

Right now, he has his breakfast, lunch is PB, supper is smiley / curly french fries and chicken nuggets. His snacks are cheese, crackers, yogurts, fruit candy things.. stuff like that.

YES!!!!

Recieved the call from YMCA and Nathan and his worker is accepted at their Preschool program. I'll be going in on Tuesday morning for registration and tour. It's a little more out of my way, 4 mornings a week Mon - Thurs. His worker will be coming over 2 afternoons a week and a social skills group at the center 1 afternoon a week.

His articulation of 's' sounds are WOW!! Even being carried over into everyday speech, with simple reminders of repeating the word the right way, to emphasize the target sound, he has come along way. Something clicked in his perspective, visual field and now understands the concept. A game we play is sitting back to back.. I say, I see.. a plant.. he can't see it cause he isn't facing that way.

Multi-step instructions are currently on a 3-step within the room and progress is being made. We try to make this fun and silly.. go get a car, bring it over to the table and put it in your alphabet box. Before.. he refused to do that as his alphabet box was JUST for his letters. Everything has its spot.. right?? He's still rigid about somethings.. his round container of crayons cannot go on a rectangle shelf which holds his markers and pencil crayons, only his write and wipe books can go there.. his crayons currently have no home, and there fore are constantly being moved from table to table.

Things are on track again after a week of alot of phone calls. I still have to call his old daycare to let them know that Nathan won't be attending their preschool this year. I'll do that on Monday.

Road block

After speaking with Nicole about having a worker going to Nathan's daycare 3 mornings a week.. turns out that the daycare won't allow her to come in. But, she will hire a TA to come in and work with the worker while attending to Nathan's needs. I don't quite understand the reasoning, but apparently she had a bad experience in the past and made the decision not to allow outside workers to come in. To me, this makes no sence, Nathan's worker would be the TA. We aren't out to disrupt any programing, just to help Nathan with social queues and instructions.

Advice from the center.. find a new daycare. This sucks. I like Nathan's daycare, he's been there now for 2 seasons, its affordable for me. But, I am also completely aware that Nathan needs this help in social. This is where his holes are. I see it, and the center sees it when Nathan in his programs at the center which ends end of August. I left a message at the YMCA that was recommended and the Autism Center has worked with in the past. That really is my only hope if I am to have a worker go with Nathan to preschool. The other options I tried are way out of my pricerange and not what I am looking for.. If I do that.. I mine as well go back to work full time, and then Nathan would lose more hours of intervention.

Nothing can be done now except for wait until I hear back from the YMCA. Its also late in the season, Mid Aug.. I'm cutting time short for registrations. Hopefully there will even be a space open for him, and it's in my price range.

New fall programming

It's so hard to believe that fall is on it's way. When I book my appointments, we're talking in September. We all had an amazing summer! And thankfully with the early season we were really able to enjoy it earlier then ever.. In May, instead of June. Nathan had a couple weeks off for his therapy, J and I had our vacations, surprise visite from my brother and his family. Time at the cottage and on the beach. I could say that I think this was the best summer ever.. but then again, I think I say that every year.

Nathan is doing really well at his 'off to school' program and social skills. Laura still comes over the afternoons he isn't at the center. And he has his soccer ( when it isn't raining or too hot). Last nights soccer was nice in the fact that there were fewer kids then normal, and the coaches actually took some time with him. Mind you, he gets SO excited that he gets completely foolish and that was the face he wore last night. They played a game that if you hit a pylon with a soccer ball, you have to knock over the pylon. So, that's what he did.. ran around the field knocking over pylons. One of the kids got mad at him cause the game was over and Nathan still ran around knocking over pylons.

Anyways... Last night when I went to pick up Nathan from his program I ran into his clinical supervisor. She sat down with me and started explaining some thoughts she had about his fall programing. Now, Nathan is smart, he has ALOT of acedemic skills. When we go to the dollar store the toy he likes to get are activity books.. or word searches / kids crosswords. Anything to do with letters, dot to dots, and numbers. His reinforcements include these games.. if you do this, you can do a page in 'the' book. So, with fall coming I'll be putting Nathan back into daycare for 3 mornings a week, Nicole wants to include that in his 20 hours a week. His worker would be going to his daycare those 3 mornings, and then to my house the 2 afternoons and keep his social skills 1 afternoon a week. She says that he is way beyond where he should be at 4 and is flying through his programs and has learned to learn, and she is at a lost on what to continue teaching him on a one to one basis.

I understand this is good news... but at the same time, I kinda felt my heart fall. I feel like we just started (in April), the summer has been busy and he's missed quite abit due to strep throat, vacations.. this and that.. He has just started catagorizing and learned the difference of vehicles and furniture. He still doesn't know the differences of breakfast foods to supper foods. And they havent' even touched his eating disorder. I mean, yes, I can work on alot of the catagorizing myself, but sometimes he doesn't even listen to me. I can't get him to draw a picture :(

Having a worker go to his daycare is an awesome idea, as he does need that social help. Alot of behaviors come out in a social setting and with that direction it can help him alot. Especially in a typical daycare that is busy, noisy and full of normal kids. I dont know why I feel like this. Maybe it just takes more out of my hands and into others. I also feel like they haven't met his 'shields' cause they are doing all the things that he loves. I almost dare them to try feeding him something out of his comfort zone. Or, not letting him finish something he really has to finish. But, then again, what if that is what they do at the center? Put a time limit on a craft ( for example) and if he isn't finished, then too bad? Laura is usually really good at filling me on what happens since I can't be there to observe ( stoopid confidentialty rules). Nicole is going to his program Thursday afternoon to observe and will write me out a report, we'll get together next week to talk about it, and how I feel about the new schedule.

Right now, his biggest progression is his language. Answering questions is still hit and miss, depending his mood. I read on another blog an interview she did with her 4 year old, and I am going to write one up and share it. His play skills are still very basic and still plays one way.. although, he has really opened up his Bakugans (no pun intended) that he can play with them without the cards, or have them on different cards. We don't need a map everytime we do something, but every once in awhile he'll ask for one. Sticker charts are an amazing tool. He still gets quite upset when someone else isn't following the rules, or if they are playing the 'wrong' way.

Stay close for that interview, and an update after I meet with his supervisor. When his worker comes over this afternoon, I'll be talking to her too. Isn't it amazing how you can feel so proud and frusterated at the same time?

Just seen the family off

My brother and his family were up for the week, and just left this morning. They arrived last saturday to a BBQ and campfire, then off to the cottage for a week. Nathan was SOOO excited about his cousin Vincent coming up, he's 5. And taught Nathan so many things in the few days we were together. The favourite was the word Buttocks. Nathan thought that was the most hilarious word ever and used it everytime he had a chance! He also introduced him to a DS, swimming in the ocean, hermit crabs and shell collecting.

He looked up to his cousin Alex and thought Aneka so pretty. Aunt Natalie was his own personal tickle monster and Uncle Steve so cool. We spent about 4 days on the beach together, running, swimming and alot of laughing. Soaking up the sun.

He almost slept through them leaving, and woke up just in time to see them off. He was so sad, but handled himself well. He curled up with me for a bit after, then into a little ball on the couch. Jason dug out his train tracks and all is well again. But I know for a fact, that he will remember this summer with his cousins for a LONG time.

Love you guys, miss you already! So glad you had the chance to come up.

Cereal With Milk !!

Nathan had his cereal this morning with milk IN IT!!!!!! I feel like I'm on top of the world!! Yes, he got a sticker for his chart!!

He wanted a treat for breakfast, I said, no.. you need to have a real breakfast. Why not Fruit Loops? He said sure!!

When I asked him to get it out, while I got his bowl, he changed his mind for ABC's cereal (alphabets). Then he wanted a spoon, I watched him put an X on his spoon to eat it and thought I would try to ask him if he wanted milk. He said, "Sure." with a little giggle. Sure enough! He sat at the table and ate his cereal with milk in it! Said he LOVED IT!!

I am SOOO HAPPY!!!!!

I'm Back :)

I didn't really realize how long its been since I caught up in here.. J. and I had a fabulous couple of days away. My favourite was a Sunday afternoon, lying on the bed dozing on and off, reading my book.. it was bliss :) We both said that we HAVE to do this again, and remembered how important it is for us to be just together.

Summer is coming to a beginning, already in the middle of June. My gardens are gorgous this year and we are planning on re-siding the house. Jason is going to take Nathan camping this weekend and is really looking forward to that.

ok.. that all caught up.. lets get caught up with Nathan. He's tired. We have him in soccer 2 nights a week, daycare 3 mornings a week, with his worker 4 afternoons, and a playgroup Friday afternoons. His clinical supervisor would like to put him in a pre-school programs designed for the kids going to school in the fall. She says, Nathan has advanced skills that he would fit in perfectly and could really benefit from the socialism of it. That would be 2 afternoons a week. I am waiting to hear back from his supervisor to get her intake.. but more then likely, I will be taking him out of daycare for the summer. That would leave him with just the autism center in the afternoons and 2 nights of soccer.

I love that he is going to playgroup at the center. He's only gone to 2, so far. The first week he was gold. Did everything he was supposed to, and was a model student / boy. Last week, he was foolish. And in away, I was glad they got to see this part of him. As I don't know how to put in words these behaviors he gets. Its like he doesn't know how to act.. so he's foolish, a joker. You may think, yea.. that's normal.. and it probably is, but add some atypical behavior in there and you got a child that is trying so hard without knowing how.. and its all coming out wrong.

He loves his soccer, but it is frusterating at times. Jason and I went last night together and we decided to keep him in it, but it did make us sad inside. It brings out his 'autism' in the group team work. There are alot of kids that play, and 2 coaches. Last night they had a 3rd which really helped the kids who have fallen behind, or didn't hear. . And I don't know how many times either Jason or myself ran onto the field to direct Nathan back to where he should be. There were a couple of games that Nathan really enjoyed, and played well in. It was really only when he had to wait, or didn't hear the direction. But, if J. went to Nathan and explained what he had to do.. he was fine.

Taking a long weekend just for me and my husband

I don't know who's this is going to be harder on. I've only spent 2 nights away from Nathan when he was only 2. Now, he's 4. Being much older, he's going to notice our absence more. He's in the best hands, being his Gramma (Mamma) :) One thing is for sure, he LOVES her, and I have nothing to worry about him being in her care for this weekend. And, I know, I am going to go reconnect with my husband and have a blast. I asked Jason what he is looking forward to most and he replied.. just walking around the boardwalk, stopping into stores and pubs.. playing a game of pool, having a drink.. then walking around some more. It's going to be exhilerating to be on our own time. I'm looking forward to the hot tub, shopping, maybe hitting a club saturday night.. and the buffet breakfasts. I love St. John and anxieties aside, I'm REALLLLLY looking forward to this weekend.

I'm glad my mom knows Nathan so well.. with his eating disorders and little things that make him who he is. I can picture them playing together, and laughing. He's loving knock knock jokes and is able to make up his own jokes.. his favourite is impatient cow, impatient cat.. frog, dog, sheep, lion.. yea.. it just goes on and on.. each one making him laugh even harder. He also loves to draw and print. His sight words are astounding and it won't be long before he does start reading, I'm sure. I think today, Ill stop off at the dollarstore and pick up some of those activity books for some quiet time, as he can easily get sucked into those. He got one for his birthday that I believe he has done and redone at least a million times.

I'm so proud of Nathan, and I love that mom can come to spend time with him, get to know his progressions and I know he will blow her away. He does to me everyday. It's these moments.. memories that kinda form a lump in my throat. However.. having company spending a couple days in my house reminds me exactly how 'messy' I let things go. Everywhere I look.. gahh.. I'll be doing my best in the next couple of days to make sure it's to my satisfaction.

So.. Nathan's quirks.. hmm.. man, where do I start. He acts out shows to play, and can get mad if you get the characters wrong. When he has his peanut butter toast, he likes a bit of PB on the a spoon first, and asks 'I have peanut butter'. If he has a bath, no matter if the water is absolutely perfect, you have to add a bit of cold water for him to feel before he gets in, or he immediatly freaks out it's too hot. Just like any 4 yr. old, you have to remind him to eat, sometimes using reinforcements to get him to finish. Limit his TV / computer time. Using a clock or timer works best, and tell him if he doesn't turn it off nicely, then no more TV/ computer time. Dora needs to be limited.. sometimes just saying choose something else works.. sometimes not. He likes to watch a show before bed with a small snack and of course his story in bed. I'm sure I'm making a bigger deal then it's worth, but I am leaving my son over night for TWO nights.. hehe. If he's 'not quite himself' just send him to his room and tell him he can come out when he's in a better mood. You want to see his happy face. It's funny thinking of these things. All the things we do as a mom ingraded into our being, that we just do without thinking. Without thinking someone has to do all the things we just 'do.

I know deep in my heart everything is going to be ok. And, we are only 45 minutes and a phone call away. And, I am going to thoroughly enjoy my weekend with J. And I am not going to make it about leaving Nathan.

Titleing my posts are getting hard...

Yesterday we took Nathan to Physio and he passed his grosse motor skills!!! He is on par with an average 4 year old :O) This pleases me to no end. He is still quite sloppy with his running, but is taking longer strides. He needs to work on going downstairs like a 'big boy', but she thinks that is more out of habit then inhabitions. He also needs to work on walking on beams (one foot in front of other). Also, riding his Trike. His clinical supervisor asked me if she would like for them to work on his pedaling.. and my reply was, please don't take that away from me too. I didn't mean for it to be mean. Or imply anything of it. But, those were the words that instantly came out of my mouth. I felt bad for the way it came out. So far they have taken my afternoons, teaching him drawing, speaking, puzzles, playing.. etc. All the things I used to do in the afternoons. Our spontaniety (spelling?), able to just hop in the car go to the park, nursery, outside, watch a movie.. you know.. stuff you do with your child when your a stay at home mom.

There is not much more enjoyable for a mother to watch her husband teaching our son how to ride a bike. Sure, its slow going.. we're going on our second year of this. And just the other day, he pushed his feet to pedal about 5feet before getting all frusterated and wanting to walk or run. He sees the bigger kids riding their bikes, and I know he is close. It's just a matter of it 'clicking'.

We aren't sure what is going on with Nathan. He is doing a noticable side gazing with his eyes. It was VERY prominate yesterday at his appointment. These are the stims that set him apart from his peers. It's recent, this side gazing, and the Clinical Supervisor seems to think that it is sensory for him, not attention seeking. She asked us to ignore it, not to bring attention to it. Now, we are required to fill out a chart with time, activity and frequency of this. He's always done wierd things with his eyes and I had his eyes tested twice. She thinks he likes how things look out of his peripheal vision. He also likes to play around with his forehead muscles and squinting.

The programs he is on are working well. He's commenting on things he sees without prompting. He's drawing houses, flowers, rainbows, stick people. He is showing his rigidness when it comes to the use of colours. Now, if anyone knows my son.. he's an amazing colourer. But, you know, some kids have to be taught that you can colour a tree purple.. Nathan has to be taught that trees are green, or the sun is yellow. He's compromising though, which is kinda funny. He'll do some of it Laura's (his worker) way, and some of it his way.

He's improving on self coping. Before he would go to his room to calm down, now he is able to work out his frusterations at the table. His language is improving, and answering questions. He still gets alot wrong, but he's choosing more words to use, and to bounce back with asking the same question, or something that is appropriate, or even completely random. One of my favourite things to ask is "What is your favourite part?" We do this every night, What was your favourite part of today?

His progress binder is already getting quite thick. And Laura has been really wonderful to talk to me about everything she is doing, and the differences of previous attempts. Where his compliance lies, things to 'sabotage' and his strengths. Funny, throughout this therapy it's bringing out both his personality, pride.. but also shows forth his 'autistic' side. And here I was scared that they were going to come over and think There is Nothing Wrong with This Child! Their biggest concern is to keep Nathan challenged as he picks things up SO quickly.

Gardening...

Yep.. Gardening with a 4 year old boy...

No Nathan, you can't take the worms in the house.

No Nathan, you can't put the worms in your pocket.

No Nathan, I don't want to see the worms that close.

Ewww Nathan!! Squirmy the worm does NOT go on my back!!

Coffee and an Update

I am reading a book right now, written by a 12 year old girl. The title is 'The Boy Who Ate Stars'. The caption on the back reads...When I grow up, I want to teach autistic children. I know one already, he's called Matthew and he's my neighbor. Matthew was four when he came into my life and, to be honest, we got off to a rocky start. Now I see alot of him, and each time I can't help thinking how special he is because he's like nobody I've ever met.

I had to take a small break. As I am reading this with a lump in my throat, and I look to Nathan with his worker, and such pride and frusteration hits me. They are working on probes, and programs. He recites the answers like 'Rain Man'. But, he is answering them!! What is your name? Nathan, Nathan Cormier. What is your mommy's name.. what is your Daddy's name. Phone number? Where do you live (today he said 'in a home' yesterday he said earth) Do you go to Daycare? What is your friends name? (sometimes he says an actual name.. other times he says toys) How old are you? (I'm 4, he says with gusto) Do you have a brother? (yea) Do you have a sister? (sometimes he says yea.. other times he says.. No, I not a sister, I a big boy!!) Do you have pets? (a pig, a bird, a fish..) What are their names?(pig, bird, fish..) But, other times he answers those perfectly. Nish is a black cat. Ostara white, brown, and black cat... etc..

These probes are just basic.. they will get more complicated and involved. And as he gets some wrong, he will be taught over and over until he does get it right. It does get pretty scriptive. But, I guess that is a start to forming a base, and then as his communication developes he can add more onto it. Like, we were out the other day. And someone asked him what his name was, he said.. My name is Nathan, and This is my Mommy. He does show pride, and wants to learn.. and it ticks me off to no end when for years I've asked him 'How are you? (I don't know).. I say, I'm good. anyways.. just after a couple days Laura has him saying.. I'm good. I could pull out my hair. Using the same way that I have been working with him. Lol.

Right now he is fixated on dot to dots.. or Connect the dots. It's hard to get him to try something else. Or he gets mad. We are working with him to use words instead of actions.. saying, Whatever, That's fine'. It's pretty cute hearing him say that one. or No big deal, It's OK. It allows him to self-talk through difficult times.

So far, he is flowing through his programs. Yesterday, he got 3 out 16 steps correct.. Today, he got 6!! Another one, yesterday he got 20%, today he got 40%. He doubled in a day. These are based on a craft program that he has to do as much as he can by himself without prompting, or what not.. like, colouring, cutting, pasting. Its all on a 'map' that he has to follow.

So far, they haven't gone back to 'sabotaging'. I think they are just getting these programs into play. Teaching him self talk and independant play. As more programs come in.. or his perfectionist comes out, or as more behaviors surface then we will deal? I don't know. He's so random and inconsistent as to what upsets him and what I think he'll freak out over, and then he doesn't.

A reminder and an eye opener

It's been awhile since I updated. And, trueth be told, I don't know where to begin. We had an awesome Easter weekend with the inlaws, BBQ's and chocolate.. who can ask for anything more. We went to French lake for a day of throwing rocks in the water (one of Nathan's most favourite things to do). Jason took Nathan to the camp with a couple of his friends. I went out with the girls and got re-united with Tequila. Man, what a fun night!!

I'm at a place in Nathan's therapy where things are getting difficult. And getting hard to put into words. I had one of my regular guests today and when she saw me... she saw something and just gave me a hug and asked me what is going on. She knows about Nathan and the intensity of his therapy. I did talk to her and I'm sure left her overwhelmed and her saying she couldn't imagine what I am going through. I can't imagine what I am going through. To hear my son saying 'I want my Mommy' and there is NOTHING I can do... anyways.. let me get on track of what is going on.

Things are coming down now, into his 'programs' and pushing behaviors to sabotage them. Yes, I am using the word sabotage as it is the word the clinical supervisor chose to use. Now, I do like this word. As I am completely aware that Nathan can't go to school, or through life with his behaviors. And he HAS GOT to deal with his emotions and not always getting his way. He is such a perfectionist and can get quite upset if things aren't just so. Just a couple of examples here.. if we are doing a puzzle we have to start with the same piece in a same to same piece sequence. If we get a new toy and play one way.. its always the same way. Jason is better at pushing him and switching things up, getting Nathan going but just to the edge of meltdown. Me.. I push a little, but then I step away and say ok.. well, I don't want to play anymore then. Or try to explain to him that its ok to get upset, or mad.. but you don't always get what you want, and I am going to use this puzzle piece here.

He has Bakugans and knows exactly what bakugan goes with what card. We were playing with them one day. And I said to his worker ( Laura ) 'watch this..' and put a wrong bakugan on a card. Well he fixed it. And it amazed her how he had them all memorized when we are looking at them wondering how the hell he could tell the difference when they are all rolled up as ball. So, we extended on this amazing memory of his and switched a few more. He put them back.. saying 'this bakugan on this card.. this one goes on this card.. etc'. We got him to close his eyes and switched a bunch more. *Laughs* he takes an exasperated breath got upset and put them back. We did it again.. He looks.. then HE switched a bunch up and looks to me and says.. 'Now, you mad'. He wanted me to understand this made him mad.. so he switched them and wanted ME to be mad. I didn't play that game.. we turned it around to be funny, laughing etc.. then put them away.

Ok.. back on track.. The clinical supervisor wanted to see one of his behaviors. And an example we talked about was how he couldn't circle a shape in a pattern sequence that he had to trace it. She said, do you think he would do it now? We tried, and sure enough.. he got quite upset and wanted to fix it. She turned the page, and did it again. Now, there was TWO pages that were 'wrong' he wanted to go back and fix the first page.. knowing now that there were 2 pages.. and she turned the page again and circled the pattern instead of tracing the shape. He went into a full blown meltdown. She turns to me and says " We are going to sabotage that behavior".

Now, I knew going into this therapy that this was going to happen. How could it not? I know my son. I know his issues. But, it was always me dealing with it. I have my strictness and I guess my limits. They are pushing the limits, forcing behaviors to get his reactions. And, I am also completely aware that it is going to get worse. But, at the same time better. They are trained to help Nathan deal with his emotions and to understand its' Ok to do this, or that. Or someone might do it this way, and that's Ok too.

I know this post is jumbled and kinda all over the place. And, I have left things out. Nathan has been random since that visite. Not quite himself. I think he lost a little bit of trust he developed with his worker and she has been trying to gain that back. He's been crying for me, and kinda lost as to what to do. When he cries for me, I have to let it go.. If I get a nod, then I can step in and take my boy in my arms and bring him down. If he wants me to read him a story, I have to talk him into letting Laura read his story when I just want to curl up with him and read him 10.

I am leaving this post now and I can assure you I'll get up in the morning with my morning coffee and fill in the blanks. This one is of the negative side.. the draining side.. The side that has left me weak. I will post the assurances and encouragement that also transpired that is going to make this all worth while. In final.. Pray for us. Pray for Nathan and knowing his is getting the best help he can. Pray for strength. For results.. and a good nights sleep. I love you all, and thank you for your support.

Therapeutic Riding Association

Anyone who knows me, knows my love for horses. I remember being young, living in Moncton, and going for a drive with mom and passing a stable that had children with disabilities riding horses. We stopped to watch for a bit and even at that young age I remember being overwhelmed with emotions. How proud these children looked riding their horse. These children we saw were in wheel chairs and had quite visable disabilities. To see their faces as they walked around the ring impacted into my memory forever.

When I found out about the riding association here in Fredericton I couldn't wait to get Nathan on the waiting list. I know I cried at the thought, knowing my love for horses and remembering those faces. Knowing what horses do for me and the thought of what they can do for those children.

Last night, Nathan went in for his 'trial' ride. We were half way up the road when he says.. oh oh oh, I forgot cowboy hat! So, we turned around to go get it. All the way there we talked about white horses and knights in shining armour. I told him he might have to ride a brown horse, but he was quite adament about a white horse. Skipping ahead to when we got there, there was a white horse and a brown horse, another girl REALLY wanted the white horse, but I was able to talk Nathan into riding the brown horse. He didn't seem to mind at all when it came down to it he let the other girl have the white horse without a fuss.

He amazed me up on the horse. Held his back straight and head high! We weren't allowed in the ring with them, but were in a room with a window that everytime he passed he waved at us. They got him to pass a ring, and to say walk when the they stopped the horse. He started getting tired at the end, which was around his bedtime... but they lined the horses up and let us in to get some pictures. I can't express how proud I am of him.

He is still on the waiting list, but has passed the trial. Now it is just waiting for 3 people his age group for a spring or fall session. I told them I don't mind waiting until fall as Nathan would be just that much older. The drive home was Nathan wanting to ride a horse and I was trying to get him to tell me how it felt. But he was tired and just answered NO to all my questions, though from the look on his face spoke more then his words.

Day at the Park

Good Morning

Last night I had a long talk with a girlfriend. Damn, that felt good. I miss my friends so much. Unfortunately, they are so far away. We laughed, talked deep and sent hugs and support over chocolate and diet coke. It truely is amazing how just a few words can lighten the load and take away a real rough couple of days. I don't know where my mind went, but it was dark. I'm getting used to this new schedule without an inch to spare. Nathan is holding his own, sometimes his agitation and frusteration comes out, but he is such a trooper I can learn from my 4 year old. Who's answer to everything right now is "You need gas".

The road is bumpy, Mommy.. You need gas.
It's too far away? .. You need gas.

I'm out today to put in my Saturday at work while Jason takes nathan to the movies, they are going to go see Disney's How to Train a Dragon. I can't wait to hear about it, his reaction to the big screen. We went last year to the movies and he was eye popping excited, I think it is going to be more so now that he is older.

I'm So Tired.

That's right, I feel like I can't catch up. The other night I fell asleep on the couch at 9:30pm and woke up at 6:30AM with my flip flops still on. I feel disconnected. I miss myself. I feel invisable. And I'm crying. At this point in which everything is coming together why I do I feel so lost and alone? I feel as though I am going through motions and that I didn't even see January / February. Maybe everything is catching up to me, and my anger is JUST coming out. Everyone wants to know how Nathan is doing, but I wonder how many stop to think how I am doing? Or maybe I'm just having an extra moody day.

I'm SO tired of doing it all, the cleaning, working, Nathan, the house, banking, making ends meet, putting up a front. Going to work and listen to everyone bitch about something or someone. Staying strong. Anyways...

Now, I'm left feeling like shit. Back to my life acting as nothing is wrong. Sure, I have alot on my plate and it isn't an excuse, everyone has crap they have to deal with. My emotions are on overload and I don't know how to express them. I just want to curl up, take a day off FROM EVERYTHING!!

25 Songs I Can't Live Without

My brother had this on his facebook, and I have been thinking of it since.. So here it goes in no particular order.

1. Do you Love me now - The Breeders
2. Once Bitten Twice Shy - Great White
3. Talk Dirty To Me - Poison
4. Hey You - Pink Floyd
5. This Magic Moment - Lou Reed
6. Shit List - L7
7. Always - Leonard Cohen ( our wedding song)
8. Boom Boom Pow - Black Eyed Peas
9. Copperhead Road - Steve Earle
10. Hope - Shaggy
11. Dreamer - Ozzy Osbourne
12. Mary Jane's Last Dance - Tom Petty
13. Meatloaf - I can't say what song for sure.. I just really like this band.
14. Dyer Maker - Led Zepplin
15. Bobby McGee - Janis Joplin ( I still sing at the top of my lungs when I play it)
16. Terrible Lie - NIN ( Mmmm... Trent Rezner.... )
17. Beautiful People - Marlyn Manson
18. Thunder Kiss 65 - White Zombie ( Man, that song is pumped )
19. Lady of Shallot - and pretty much anything from Loreena Mckennitt
20. Little Earthquakes - Tori Amos
21. Sweet Child O' Mine - Guns N Roses
22. Ziggy Stardust - David Bowie
23. Epic - Faith No More
24. One More Cup of Coffee - White Stripes
25. Only God Knows Why - Kid Rock ( I swear these lyrics were written just for me, and it still sends goose bumps up and down )

Hehe.. that was fun.. Funny thing.. some of these songs I don't even listen to anymore, but when thinking of the list, these ones just kept popping up.. like, OMG, I I love that song!! Or a memory of dancing around, jumping on my bed.. driving my mom crazy in the mornings getting ready for school. Drives with friends, or just being alone and SINGING!!!!!!!

Why Can't I Do That?

Today, 2 clients came in for pedicures together and we started talking about our children and how Nathan is going to be 4 tomorrow. As we were talking the subject of having another child came out, and I said I'm hesitant of having another. I explained the only reason I would like another one, is so Nathan would have a brother or sister. One of the girls said that wasn't a very good reason. I replied, I'm giving it a year, if I feel as I do now, I won't be having anymore children. The other lady then says she first had a daughter, then a son who is autistic, if she had her son first, she would feel the same way.

Now, why couldn't I just come out and say that?? But, once she opened the topic I told her that Nathan was on the spectrum and is undergoing his therapy with the resource centre. We proceeded to share and compair stories, the differences of how she was treated in Ontario, compaired to here, etc. It felt so good talking to her we exchanged phone numbers.

We talked about the fear of having another child with the statistics stating that I can have a 50 / 50 chance of birthing another child with autism. And the challenges I face now, and having to deal with it all being pregnant or with a child in tote. We talked about the emotional support of our husbands and family members. The challenges of speach and also of encouraging stories that keep us going. The difference of sharing with people who know what we are going through and how different every child on the spectrum is. How incredably smart autistic children are, how their differences are what makes them. How they deal with social queues and personal space.

I've been told before, and I completely know this.. That, although Nathan is on the spectrum, I am very lucky. He has his challenges, but he is high functioning and verbal. He shows his emotions but can't use words to describe them. He uses sound effects to explain things he is trying to say. Or he knows what tone of voice goes with what emotion. And the work that I do with him shows great encouragement to the progression he can accomplish. And on top of this all.. He retains his knowledge!! It takes alot of work.. repetition and consistency and whether or not he chooses to share what he knows.. but he does retain it once it clicks.

I've said earlier, that the more I talk about it, the more and more people I meet with autistic children. It's quite staggering the amount.. really. So why couldn't I just say when the subject came up the trueth? Am I just that private? Am I still just accepting and not ready to admit? Am I scared to let MY feelings come out? Am I that bad at communication? I don't know.

I need a Map !!

Transitions is very difficult for Nathan, and working on a sequence of tasks. So, it was advised for us to try a map. Since he's fixated on Dora and can relate visually to it we decided to give it a try. The first one we used, was to get him to go to Daycare, then get picked up, go home for lunch. He got so excited about it! And all I had to do was pull out the map. Now, we use a map for almost everything that involves an unpreferred task, or a sequence of having to run around, or even in the home getting ready for bed for example.

Jon was over the other night to babysit, and I asked him to try getting Nathan to eat 2 bites of speghetti. Nathan was prepared for this after he ate his supper, we were talking about it throughout the day. But, I don't think Jon was ready for the reaction. Anyways, I told Jon to think of something really fun that you can use to reinforce him into eating those 2 bites. And, he might have to draw a map.

So, Jon had his supper and Nathan his, then he started with Nathan to eat his 2 bites of speghetti. Well, Nathan started his tricks and tried to Balk, and after I don't really know for how long Jon decided to try the map. Once Nathan can visualize and check off in his head, he got those bites down!! Gagging and choking the whole time, but he did it!! And kept it down. Then they went outside to play before coming in to watch a movie before bed.

Happy Birthday, Nathan!!

Yep, that's right, my boy is 4. Well, a little early, his birthday is March 21. First day of spring, God, I can't believe 4 years have gone by. Age 3 was a rough year, he was hitting terrable 2's and troublesome 3's at the same time. It was a year full of emotions, not knowing, and having to find out. Watching him grow, new sneakers, catching up on milestones.. and the laughter and tears. His first roller coaster trip to Crystal Palace, summer at the cottage, a trip to the camp, and fires in the backyard. His relationship growth with his grandparents, aunts and uncles. His excitement over new toys and books at Christmas, curling up to read stories, colouring, painting.. making the picture window into a 'picture' window. Thinking it's Spiderman making the webs around the house. His first knock knock joke, and singing songs. I can't take him anywhere without everyone 'oohing and ahh'ing' over him, and how he can just ham it up. My, he's a charmer. The struggles to get him to answer questions, and point to a picture, to make a choice. Signing 'I love you' after a hug and a kiss. Getting tubes in his ears, endless appointments and tests. His big boy bed and potty training, a Diego bedroom. He loves his toys, books and movies.

His party was a blast for both the kids and the adults. We played music and bean bag toss games, the boys got along wonderfully and it was so good to catch up with my friends. We had a transformer cake and ice cream, with bakugan table settings. He recieved some clothes, Bionicles, transformers, Bakugan, a sticker book and some cars. A huge basketball net that transforms into a dart board and game table, a golf caddy, and an inflatable hopping balloon thing with Superman on it. Happy Birthday, my Son, I love you.

Nathan's First Week

The first week ended on Friday. Mostly it was the worker, Laura and her supervisor, Sara, playing with him to gain a relationship and trust. They brought bins of toys.. playdoh, puzzles, treasure hunts, and throughout the week got into games of hide and seek, tickle monsters.. etc. Basically, they wanted Nathan to have fun and to like them. And it worked!

The afternoons were full of running around, laughing and inventing. They didn't really touch on anything except getting to know him and to get an idea of what reinforcers to use. Also, they watched for signs and 'holes' in his developement, example, imaginative play and language stuck out the most. On Friday, Sara started a LAP Test which is a booklet of tasks and tests that he has to complete. He really showed his 'autistic' side in his rigidness and reluctency in completing the tasks. The test is going to take awhile to complete, and that isn't a surprise as it would be overwhelming to do it all at once. They start at basic skills of the age of 2. Some of these skills he will excel as a 5 yr old, others are going to be quite difficult for him. He was all over the charts when the peds team and the child phychologist did these tests.

One thing for sure is that he is SO smart. He retains his knowledge, its whether or not he chooses to show them during the accurate times. Also, whenever I hear that he is delayed, or I learn something that needs work.. I act on it very quickly. Like his imaginative play.. although it is still basic, and repetitive it has grown to the fact that he can pretend to eat, sleep, be an animal or character, and hold action figures in his hand to TRY and develope a conversation or play setting using them as the speakers.

His favourite right now is Spiderman. He'll say.. You an Alien, I Spiderman!! Then web me with his fingers while I PEW PEW him with my imaginary freeze ray. He can sing the first 3 verses of the Spiderman theme song.. I have GOT to get that on my video!!!

Therapy Starts Monday

Yep.. the time has come for Nathan to start his intence therapy. I am overwhelmed with feelings.. all the usual, excited, nervous, anxious... but most of all kinda scared. He is going to be 4 in just a couple of weeks. And sometimes he is just so 'normal' to me.. I mean.. Like, he's charming, so happy and fun. Even within the last couple of months his language blows me away.

I have been overcome with memories this last week, of compairing where he is now to where he used to be. My biggest fear is they are going to come over and Nathan is going to be gold and they are going to say.. there is nothing wrong with this child! Remember, he was only confirmed 3 months ago, as I just shake my head and laugh at myself. I know he still has alot of issues, and random acts of foolishness. Also, I have nothing to compare to. He is still delayed. I know that, but I also see his accomplishments that might be putting a bit of denial between us. I never thought I was one for denial, I feel as though I have accepted him and just dealt day to day. Who knows?

I wish I was better at putting this post into words.. as I feel this is important to me. And would like to remember exactly how I am feeling at this point. I guess, it can be compaired to a mother sending their child off to school that first day. Only, this is crucial to his development, as a normal school is crucial to a typical child. This is going to prepare Nathan to go to school.

I went to the Autism Resourse centre just a couple of days ago, and had a heartwarming chat with a mother there of a daughter who is now 5 and going to school and has been treated with the centre since she was 2. She is bringing her daughter to see the same phychologish that I brought Nathan to, and she told me that he said, if he didn't know this child, just coming off the streets.. that he would think there was nothing wrong.. just a typical little girl. This to me, was very gratifying to hear. I'm kinda blind to what they are going to teach Nathan in this year. Monday to Friday for a FULL year.. overwhelming, huh ?!

I mentioned that I have been overcome with memories.. and I would like to share, and 'diary' those moments with you.. But, I am going to save those for when I have more time in another post. Right now, my mind is jumbled with accomplishments, how I dealt with situations, how I covered for him in public and in my marriage, what he used to be like to my wits end... the tears and laughter and encouragement for the future.

I would like to release in my online diary the sorrows as well as the joy.. but knowing that my family and friends are going to share those with me here, it is difficult.. but I must say, since starting this blog it has allowed me the oppurtunity in words to open up, which is my goal in admitting.

A Birthday Party !!

Last weekend was Nathan's friend, Carson's birthday! He turned 4, he's one month older then Nathan is. When we got the invite to go, Nathan was SOOO excited :) And knew there would be balloons and cake and presents. I was a little nervous about taking him, so planned ahead and when I bought Carson's present, I also got one for Nathan to keep in the car to use as a bribe to leave the house.. or to remind him if he got upset about Carson opening all the presents.

He handled himself extremely well. There was just a couple of times that I had to go get him to bring him back to the 'party'. All the kids were downstairs in the play room, then everyone left to go upstairs. Nathan just remained, as content as can be playing with Carson's toys. I told him all the balloons were upstairs and he had no problem leaving the room to join the other kids upstairs. He laughed, and danced, played the games.. got extremely upset about the silly string and started yelling at people to stop and NO MORE!! Oh, what a mess!! Note to self.. do not bring silly string into the home, lol.

I just touched on Nathan's food issues how he only eats preferred foods. It was best described to me about his eating disorder from a dietician from Stan Cassidy's that for Nathan to eat an un-preferred food, would be like for us eating a cock roach. Think of fear factor. So, needless to say, Nathan didn't eat the lunch that was provided. Instead had a handfull of crackers, and he turned down the Birthday Cake!! I didn't push the issue, but both Jason and I tried.

The unfortanate thing was, the parents were giving us looks.. I mean, come on.. what kid doesn't like Birthday Cake!! But, Nathan again handled himself well, didn't melt down, just got all rigid and adement about NO CAKE! During the presents, he had a blast watching Carson open the gifts got excited and commented "Oh Cool!" etc.. then they happily played with the new toys. I was very proud of him, and then when it was time to go, I reminded him that there was a present in the car for him since he listened so well and he left perfectly!!

That night, I told him how happy he made me watching him play and dance. Gave him a hug and kiss and sent him off with sweet dreams. Well! About 5 minutes later, we hear him crying in his bedroom. Jason went in to see what was wrong, and he was sitting in his bed banging his stuffed Giraffe's head saying.. Jerry hurts his head! Jason got him to tell him what was wrong, and Nathan told him he was upset cause he didn't have any Birthday Cake! My heart melted when Jason told me this. I don't recall what Jason said to bring him down, but he read him a story, refreshed his music and not long after he was in his dream world.

Poor guy. I wonder what he was thinking at the time he refused the cake... and then again what he was thinking when he remembered he didn't have any and caused him to get so upset.

Old Fashioned Melt Down

I posted before that Nathan has his good days and bad days when it comes to leaving Daycare. Or, anywhere really... transitions has always been a challenge. Today, I came to pick up Nathan at Daycare and I walk in to see a bunch of kids at one end of the hall, and a bunch of kids at the other end of the hall, 3 skateboards and 3 kids on their bellies. I laugh. What fun! I ask the 'teacher' if Nathan played on the skateboards too.. he replies, yes, he's had his turns. I was proud.

I see Nathan cheering, and think.. omg, I am NOT going to get this child out of here. I put my hand on his shoulder and say, 'Nathan, it's time to go home for lunch'. That's when it started, he see's me, puts on his straight jacket pose and starts. I pick him up and carry him to his boots. He is not moving, he cries, everyone is watching and I wonder how to handle this. 20 minutes later... he's curled up on my lap, wrapped solid around himself and still refuses to move. I'm done. I have to force his arms in his jacket, afraid he is going to get hurt, or hurt himself, and basically drag him out. Thankfully, he isn't hitting me.

He cries all the way home, I've tried bribing, threatening, everything I can think of at this point. He is gagging on his cries and I am driving hoping he doesn't make himself sick. When we get home, I carry him inside and continue to try to talk him down. What finally did it was our cat Ostara. It was like he came over specifically to see what was wrong, lol.

It made for a long afternoon, but we watched a couple of shows then put on some music and danced for a good couple of hours. I haven't seen him act like that since before we really started the behavioral therapy, and I exausted every tool they gave me to try. It kinda threw me for a loop, trueth be told. I got him to tell me he was sorry, and I hope he understood the reason of his actions and how it affected the situation.

Just a Daddy :)

After daycare yesterday, I brought Jason a coffee at his work. Passing by the tanks Nathan got all excited about the 'Transformers', lol. We enjoyed our lunch together as it is really cool in J's shop. The mechanics are right next door, so I got some pictures of them together with the tanks, Nathan even captured a great shot of Jason and I :)

On the way home, we passed by a group of soldiers marching. I said to Nathan, 'look at the soldiers! Your daddy is a soldier'. He replies to me, 'No, Mommy, Daddy just Daddy'. I tried to explain that a daddy can also be a soldier. He continued to almost get upset. "No, Just Daddy". I'm kinda giggling inside, thinking this rather amusing :) So I say, well, Your daddy is also a man. 'Nope' he says 'Just Daddy'.

When we play our imaginitive play.. he can be a dog, cat, mouse, cow, horse... any animal you can think of!! But, if I say lets pretend your a baby, he says 'I'm not a baby, I'm a big boy'. It's comical how he can be so creative about some things.. yet so adament about others. When he figures it out that his Daddy can be a soldier, a man, AND a Daddy.. he is going to be very proud of his Daddy <3

Accepting and Admiting

Accepting was much more easier then admiting. I still find it very difficult to admit to others what I am going through, and that I have a child on the Autism Spectrum. Its not that I'm embaressed, as I'm very proud of what I have done for Nathan in his inventions, and I am also proud of his accomplishments and progression.

I'm just more reserved about how I feel, I don't want people asking all the time how Nathan is doing. Or, the looks people can't help but give, or don't know what to say.. so they say.. 'Oh.' or.. 'Aww'. I know they don't mean anything of it. They just don't understand, or know what else to say.

I went to my dentist, and on the desk was a flyer for fundraiser for the Therapeutic Riding Association. Now, I LOVE horses.. and completely understand what they can do for anyone with disabilities or special needs. I came to find out that their son was Autistic. When I went back to buy the tickets, the mom was wearing a shirt that said "Mother of an Autistic Child, and Proud Of It'. I started to tear up, and could only say.. Me Too!! I went home and immediately checked out the website, and got Nathan on the waiting list. I must have talked to them for 45 minutes!

This mom, the dentist has given me courage to make a self goal of admitting that I have a child with special needs. Slowly, I have been doing this. I am still private, and choose who I tell. But, let me tell you!! well.. you know when you buy a new car? and all you see around town is the same car? Well, its the same thing.. the more I talk to.. the more amazing people I meet with autistic children!!! This has helped me with my goal. I rarely tear up anymore when I mention it. It has become easier to explain and accept the 'Oh's and Awww's'

Soon, I will be ready to post this blog on my facebook so more family and friends can follow my on line diary.. But, not yet..

Valentine's Day Party at Daycare

Daycare with Nathan is both a joy and a challenge. He was never a child to cling to me, he would have NO problem leaving me to go to daycare. However, picking him up is a nightmare. I almost pulled him out it was so horrible dragging him out kicking and screaming, sometimes punching and hitting me.

With all the work with his behavioral therapist things started getting better, and he would now have his good days, and bad. He still isn't a child that would run into my arms, but the kicking and screaming is now minamal.

Today, started like every daycare morning, he would give me a hug and kiss, then sign language 'I Love You, Too' then run off to play. When I came to pick him up, I was completely prepared to go in for a challenge and fight, I mean, come on.. it was a Valentines' Party!! But, he came to me with his envelope of Valentines' and treats, I took a picture of him all proud with his arms full of hearts, and then he went to go put his boots on!! Then, he even tried to put his own jacket on and zip it up! I was floored, I had no idea who this child was.. Even the 'teachers' were watching with 'WTF' looks on their faces.

He took my hand and we walked to the car together, he even tried to stop the wind, without much success *smiles*. Moments like this is so cherished. I always envied the other moms who would walk in and their child would run into their arms, and today I had that feeling.

What is PDD-NOS?

PERVASIVE DEVELOPMENTAL DISORDER - NOT OTHERWISE SPECIFIED (PDD-NOS)

~Is a subthreshhold condition in which some, but not all, features of autism belong. The term PDD-NOS also refered to as 'atypical personality development, atypical PDD, or atypical autism' to encompass cases where there is marked impairment of social interaction, communication, and /or stereotypical behavior patterns or interest, but when full features for autism or another explicity defined PDD are NOT met.

~A person diagnosed with PDD-NOS has some behaviors seen in autism but don't meet the full criteria for having Autistic disorder. All children with PDD-NOS do not have the same degree or intensity of the disorder. There is no set pattern of symptoms and signs. A single child seldom shows all the features seen in PDD-NOS at one time.

Nathan's report showed him as 6-9 months behind where he should be at his age. On the tests from the child phychologist Nathan was showed to have mild to moderate autism, meaning.. that on some scores he BARELY hit the mark, where in others he could be quite sever balancing out in all catagories to be confirmed as PDD (autism) NOS (not otherwise specified). In other tests for his fine motor skills he was scored equivalant to ages 5 or 6. Tests that were for the Gross Motor Skills he was scored equivalant to a 2 year old.

Nathan's more prominant challenges are going to include his diet, language and social skills. Pretty much in that order.

The Diagnosis

First, I would like to say that I think I would have eventually discovered the warning flags by myself, but instead we recieved a phone call when Nathan was just over 2 years old from my husbands sister. She expressed her concerns and shared her experience being educated in early childhood developement. With what I thought was completely normal, if anything I had a genious, apparently were signs of autism. My sheilds went up, automatically accusing her of 'How dare you say that! You don't even know our son' and demanded my husband to hang up the phone on her.

Once I settled down, I realized this was probably the hardest phone call she had ever made I called her back and we actually talked, and I saw what she was trying to say to me. I made an appointment with my family doctor who sent me to the pediatrician, who then sent me to the 'peds team'.

After a couple months of waiting, we started working with a speech and behavioral therapist, and a dietician. The first couple of visites Nathan showed his strengths in his letters and repetitive play, but wouldn't do what was expected of him, like pointing to a picture, he would get quite rigid and hard to handle. Let me tell you!! We went home and I worked so hard with him so the next time going in he could point to a bloody picture!!!

When we started with the peds team, Nathan was just turning 3 and was diagnosed at 24 months. Needless to say, this was quite the surprise to me, as he's so incredably smart. Every session we went to, I took the tools I learned and brought them home and continued his intervention working hard each day to bring him forward.

At this point, we've been working with this team of amazing people for 9 months. Throughout, they continued to encourage me to take him to a child phychologist for a confirmed diagnosis. Now, I've been hearing the words autism, and aspergers since we started this with Sara's phone call, but, I just couldn't allow myself to take that step. It wasn't denial, as I knew there were problems.. Just scared.

Finally, I talked to the peds team asking for another assesment, where is he at? I see so much improvement. He's such a joy now... etc. They again, encouraged me to see a child phychologist. I made the appointment and somehow with Nathan's age and the help of my pediatrician and the peds team we had an appointment in just a month, instead of a 6 month wait.

The appointments consisted of 4, 2 with just the parents and 2 with Nathan. The first one, Jason and I went in and talked for at least 3 hours. I was impressed and felt yes.. this is positive, we need this. The 2 appointments with Nathan were really quite cool, they took him into another room while we got to watch in another room on a TV what was going on. Watching them assess, and Nathan's reactions both made me proud and cry.

On the last appointment it was just Jason and I, we went in to go over the report and confirm the diagnosis. Yes, our child is on the autism spectrum. He has PDD-NOS. Although, this didn't really come as a surprise, I was still floored. The date was Dec 14th. I had to get through Christmas, the shock didn't hit me until after.