Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Therapeutic Riding Association



Anyone who knows me, knows my love for horses. I remember being young, living in Moncton, and going for a drive with mom and passing a stable that had children with disabilities riding horses. We stopped to watch for a bit and even at that young age I remember being overwhelmed with emotions. How proud these children looked riding their horse. These children we saw were in wheel chairs and had quite visable disabilities. To see their faces as they walked around the ring impacted into my memory forever.

When I found out about the riding association here in Fredericton I couldn't wait to get Nathan on the waiting list. I know I cried at the thought, knowing my love for horses and remembering those faces. Knowing what horses do for me and the thought of what they can do for those children.

Last night, Nathan went in for his 'trial' ride. We were half way up the road when he says.. oh oh oh, I forgot cowboy hat! So, we turned around to go get it. All the way there we talked about white horses and knights in shining armour. I told him he might have to ride a brown horse, but he was quite adament about a white horse. Skipping ahead to when we got there, there was a white horse and a brown horse, another girl REALLY wanted the white horse, but I was able to talk Nathan into riding the brown horse. He didn't seem to mind at all when it came down to it he let the other girl have the white horse without a fuss.

He amazed me up on the horse. Held his back straight and head high! We weren't allowed in the ring with them, but were in a room with a window that everytime he passed he waved at us. They got him to pass a ring, and to say walk when the they stopped the horse. He started getting tired at the end, which was around his bedtime... but they lined the horses up and let us in to get some pictures. I can't express how proud I am of him.

He is still on the waiting list, but has passed the trial. Now it is just waiting for 3 people his age group for a spring or fall session. I told them I don't mind waiting until fall as Nathan would be just that much older. The drive home was Nathan wanting to ride a horse and I was trying to get him to tell me how it felt. But he was tired and just answered NO to all my questions, though from the look on his face spoke more then his words.


Monday, March 29, 2010

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Good Morning

Last night I had a long talk with a girlfriend. Damn, that felt good. I miss my friends so much. Unfortunately, they are so far away. We laughed, talked deep and sent hugs and support over chocolate and diet coke. It truely is amazing how just a few words can lighten the load and take away a real rough couple of days. I don't know where my mind went, but it was dark. I'm getting used to this new schedule without an inch to spare. Nathan is holding his own, sometimes his agitation and frusteration comes out, but he is such a trooper I can learn from my 4 year old. Who's answer to everything right now is "You need gas".

The road is bumpy, Mommy.. You need gas.
It's too far away? .. You need gas.

I'm out today to put in my Saturday at work while Jason takes nathan to the movies, they are going to go see Disney's How to Train a Dragon. I can't wait to hear about it, his reaction to the big screen. We went last year to the movies and he was eye popping excited, I think it is going to be more so now that he is older.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

I'm So Tired.

That's right, I feel like I can't catch up. The other night I fell asleep on the couch at 9:30pm and woke up at 6:30AM with my flip flops still on. I feel disconnected. I miss myself. I feel invisable. And I'm crying. At this point in which everything is coming together why I do I feel so lost and alone? I feel as though I am going through motions and that I didn't even see January / February. Maybe everything is catching up to me, and my anger is JUST coming out. Everyone wants to know how Nathan is doing, but I wonder how many stop to think how I am doing? Or maybe I'm just having an extra moody day.

I'm SO tired of doing it all, the cleaning, working, Nathan, the house, banking, making ends meet, putting up a front. Going to work and listen to everyone bitch about something or someone. Staying strong. Anyways...

Now, I'm left feeling like shit. Back to my life acting as nothing is wrong. Sure, I have alot on my plate and it isn't an excuse, everyone has crap they have to deal with. My emotions are on overload and I don't know how to express them. I just want to curl up, take a day off FROM EVERYTHING!!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

25 Songs I Can't Live Without

My brother had this on his facebook, and I have been thinking of it since.. So here it goes in no particular order.

1. Do you Love me now - The Breeders
2. Once Bitten Twice Shy - Great White
3. Talk Dirty To Me - Poison
4. Hey You - Pink Floyd
5. This Magic Moment - Lou Reed
6. Shit List - L7
7. Always - Leonard Cohen ( our wedding song)
8. Boom Boom Pow - Black Eyed Peas
9. Copperhead Road - Steve Earle
10. Hope - Shaggy
11. Dreamer - Ozzy Osbourne
12. Mary Jane's Last Dance - Tom Petty
13. Meatloaf - I can't say what song for sure.. I just really like this band.
14. Dyer Maker - Led Zepplin
15. Bobby McGee - Janis Joplin ( I still sing at the top of my lungs when I play it)
16. Terrible Lie - NIN ( Mmmm... Trent Rezner.... )
17. Beautiful People - Marlyn Manson
18. Thunder Kiss 65 - White Zombie ( Man, that song is pumped )
19. Lady of Shallot - and pretty much anything from Loreena Mckennitt
20. Little Earthquakes - Tori Amos
21. Sweet Child O' Mine - Guns N Roses
22. Ziggy Stardust - David Bowie
23. Epic - Faith No More
24. One More Cup of Coffee - White Stripes
25. Only God Knows Why - Kid Rock ( I swear these lyrics were written just for me, and it still sends goose bumps up and down )

Hehe.. that was fun.. Funny thing.. some of these songs I don't even listen to anymore, but when thinking of the list, these ones just kept popping up.. like, OMG, I I love that song!! Or a memory of dancing around, jumping on my bed.. driving my mom crazy in the mornings getting ready for school. Drives with friends, or just being alone and SINGING!!!!!!!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Why Can't I Do That?


Today, 2 clients came in for pedicures together and we started talking about our children and how Nathan is going to be 4 tomorrow. As we were talking the subject of having another child came out, and I said I'm hesitant of having another. I explained the only reason I would like another one, is so Nathan would have a brother or sister. One of the girls said that wasn't a very good reason. I replied, I'm giving it a year, if I feel as I do now, I won't be having anymore children. The other lady then says she first had a daughter, then a son who is autistic, if she had her son first, she would feel the same way.

Now, why couldn't I just come out and say that?? But, once she opened the topic I told her that Nathan was on the spectrum and is undergoing his therapy with the resource centre. We proceeded to share and compair stories, the differences of how she was treated in Ontario, compaired to here, etc. It felt so good talking to her we exchanged phone numbers.

We talked about the fear of having another child with the statistics stating that I can have a 50 / 50 chance of birthing another child with autism. And the challenges I face now, and having to deal with it all being pregnant or with a child in tote. We talked about the emotional support of our husbands and family members. The challenges of speach and also of encouraging stories that keep us going. The difference of sharing with people who know what we are going through and how different every child on the spectrum is. How incredably smart autistic children are, how their differences are what makes them. How they deal with social queues and personal space.

I've been told before, and I completely know this.. That, although Nathan is on the spectrum, I am very lucky. He has his challenges, but he is high functioning and verbal. He shows his emotions but can't use words to describe them. He uses sound effects to explain things he is trying to say. Or he knows what tone of voice goes with what emotion. And the work that I do with him shows great encouragement to the progression he can accomplish. And on top of this all.. He retains his knowledge!! It takes alot of work.. repetition and consistency and whether or not he chooses to share what he knows.. but he does retain it once it clicks.

I've said earlier, that the more I talk about it, the more and more people I meet with autistic children. It's quite staggering the amount.. really. So why couldn't I just say when the subject came up the trueth? Am I just that private? Am I still just accepting and not ready to admit? Am I scared to let MY feelings come out? Am I that bad at communication? I don't know.

Friday, March 19, 2010

I need a Map !!


Transitions is very difficult for Nathan, and working on a sequence of tasks. So, it was advised for us to try a map. Since he's fixated on Dora and can relate visually to it we decided to give it a try. The first one we used, was to get him to go to Daycare, then get picked up, go home for lunch. He got so excited about it! And all I had to do was pull out the map. Now, we use a map for almost everything that involves an unpreferred task, or a sequence of having to run around, or even in the home getting ready for bed for example.

Jon was over the other night to babysit, and I asked him to try getting Nathan to eat 2 bites of speghetti. Nathan was prepared for this after he ate his supper, we were talking about it throughout the day. But, I don't think Jon was ready for the reaction. Anyways, I told Jon to think of something really fun that you can use to reinforce him into eating those 2 bites. And, he might have to draw a map.

So, Jon had his supper and Nathan his, then he started with Nathan to eat his 2 bites of speghetti. Well, Nathan started his tricks and tried to Balk, and after I don't really know for how long Jon decided to try the map. Once Nathan can visualize and check off in his head, he got those bites down!! Gagging and choking the whole time, but he did it!! And kept it down. Then they went outside to play before coming in to watch a movie before bed.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Happy Birthday, Nathan!!






Yep, that's right, my boy is 4. Well, a little early, his birthday is March 21. First day of spring, God, I can't believe 4 years have gone by. Age 3 was a rough year, he was hitting terrable 2's and troublesome 3's at the same time. It was a year full of emotions, not knowing, and having to find out. Watching him grow, new sneakers, catching up on milestones.. and the laughter and tears. His first roller coaster trip to Crystal Palace, summer at the cottage, a trip to the camp, and fires in the backyard. His relationship growth with his grandparents, aunts and uncles. His excitement over new toys and books at Christmas, curling up to read stories, colouring, painting.. making the picture window into a 'picture' window. Thinking it's Spiderman making the webs around the house. His first knock knock joke, and singing songs. I can't take him anywhere without everyone 'oohing and ahh'ing' over him, and how he can just ham it up. My, he's a charmer. The struggles to get him to answer questions, and point to a picture, to make a choice. Signing 'I love you' after a hug and a kiss. Getting tubes in his ears, endless appointments and tests. His big boy bed and potty training, a Diego bedroom. He loves his toys, books and movies.

His party was a blast for both the kids and the adults. We played music and bean bag toss games, the boys got along wonderfully and it was so good to catch up with my friends. We had a transformer cake and ice cream, with bakugan table settings. He recieved some clothes, Bionicles, transformers, Bakugan, a sticker book and some cars. A huge basketball net that transforms into a dart board and game table, a golf caddy, and an inflatable hopping balloon thing with Superman on it. Happy Birthday, my Son, I love you.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Nathan's First Week


The first week ended on Friday. Mostly it was the worker, Laura and her supervisor, Sara, playing with him to gain a relationship and trust. They brought bins of toys.. playdoh, puzzles, treasure hunts, and throughout the week got into games of hide and seek, tickle monsters.. etc. Basically, they wanted Nathan to have fun and to like them. And it worked!

The afternoons were full of running around, laughing and inventing. They didn't really touch on anything except getting to know him and to get an idea of what reinforcers to use. Also, they watched for signs and 'holes' in his developement, example, imaginative play and language stuck out the most. On Friday, Sara started a LAP Test which is a booklet of tasks and tests that he has to complete. He really showed his 'autistic' side in his rigidness and reluctency in completing the tasks. The test is going to take awhile to complete, and that isn't a surprise as it would be overwhelming to do it all at once. They start at basic skills of the age of 2. Some of these skills he will excel as a 5 yr old, others are going to be quite difficult for him. He was all over the charts when the peds team and the child phychologist did these tests.

One thing for sure is that he is SO smart. He retains his knowledge, its whether or not he chooses to show them during the accurate times. Also, whenever I hear that he is delayed, or I learn something that needs work.. I act on it very quickly. Like his imaginative play.. although it is still basic, and repetitive it has grown to the fact that he can pretend to eat, sleep, be an animal or character, and hold action figures in his hand to TRY and develope a conversation or play setting using them as the speakers.

His favourite right now is Spiderman. He'll say.. You an Alien, I Spiderman!! Then web me with his fingers while I PEW PEW him with my imaginary freeze ray. He can sing the first 3 verses of the Spiderman theme song.. I have GOT to get that on my video!!!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Therapy Starts Monday


Yep.. the time has come for Nathan to start his intence therapy. I am overwhelmed with feelings.. all the usual, excited, nervous, anxious... but most of all kinda scared. He is going to be 4 in just a couple of weeks. And sometimes he is just so 'normal' to me.. I mean.. Like, he's charming, so happy and fun. Even within the last couple of months his language blows me away.

I have been overcome with memories this last week, of compairing where he is now to where he used to be. My biggest fear is they are going to come over and Nathan is going to be gold and they are going to say.. there is nothing wrong with this child! Remember, he was only confirmed 3 months ago, as I just shake my head and laugh at myself. I know he still has alot of issues, and random acts of foolishness. Also, I have nothing to compare to. He is still delayed. I know that, but I also see his accomplishments that might be putting a bit of denial between us. I never thought I was one for denial, I feel as though I have accepted him and just dealt day to day. Who knows?

I wish I was better at putting this post into words.. as I feel this is important to me. And would like to remember exactly how I am feeling at this point. I guess, it can be compaired to a mother sending their child off to school that first day. Only, this is crucial to his development, as a normal school is crucial to a typical child. This is going to prepare Nathan to go to school.

I went to the Autism Resourse centre just a couple of days ago, and had a heartwarming chat with a mother there of a daughter who is now 5 and going to school and has been treated with the centre since she was 2. She is bringing her daughter to see the same phychologish that I brought Nathan to, and she told me that he said, if he didn't know this child, just coming off the streets.. that he would think there was nothing wrong.. just a typical little girl. This to me, was very gratifying to hear. I'm kinda blind to what they are going to teach Nathan in this year. Monday to Friday for a FULL year.. overwhelming, huh ?!

I mentioned that I have been overcome with memories.. and I would like to share, and 'diary' those moments with you.. But, I am going to save those for when I have more time in another post. Right now, my mind is jumbled with accomplishments, how I dealt with situations, how I covered for him in public and in my marriage, what he used to be like to my wits end... the tears and laughter and encouragement for the future.

I would like to release in my online diary the sorrows as well as the joy.. but knowing that my family and friends are going to share those with me here, it is difficult.. but I must say, since starting this blog it has allowed me the oppurtunity in words to open up, which is my goal in admitting.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

A Birthday Party !!


Last weekend was Nathan's friend, Carson's birthday! He turned 4, he's one month older then Nathan is. When we got the invite to go, Nathan was SOOO excited :) And knew there would be balloons and cake and presents. I was a little nervous about taking him, so planned ahead and when I bought Carson's present, I also got one for Nathan to keep in the car to use as a bribe to leave the house.. or to remind him if he got upset about Carson opening all the presents.

He handled himself extremely well. There was just a couple of times that I had to go get him to bring him back to the 'party'. All the kids were downstairs in the play room, then everyone left to go upstairs. Nathan just remained, as content as can be playing with Carson's toys. I told him all the balloons were upstairs and he had no problem leaving the room to join the other kids upstairs. He laughed, and danced, played the games.. got extremely upset about the silly string and started yelling at people to stop and NO MORE!! Oh, what a mess!! Note to self.. do not bring silly string into the home, lol.

I just touched on Nathan's food issues how he only eats preferred foods. It was best described to me about his eating disorder from a dietician from Stan Cassidy's that for Nathan to eat an un-preferred food, would be like for us eating a cock roach. Think of fear factor. So, needless to say, Nathan didn't eat the lunch that was provided. Instead had a handfull of crackers, and he turned down the Birthday Cake!! I didn't push the issue, but both Jason and I tried.

The unfortanate thing was, the parents were giving us looks.. I mean, come on.. what kid doesn't like Birthday Cake!! But, Nathan again handled himself well, didn't melt down, just got all rigid and adement about NO CAKE! During the presents, he had a blast watching Carson open the gifts got excited and commented "Oh Cool!" etc.. then they happily played with the new toys. I was very proud of him, and then when it was time to go, I reminded him that there was a present in the car for him since he listened so well and he left perfectly!!

That night, I told him how happy he made me watching him play and dance. Gave him a hug and kiss and sent him off with sweet dreams. Well! About 5 minutes later, we hear him crying in his bedroom. Jason went in to see what was wrong, and he was sitting in his bed banging his stuffed Giraffe's head saying.. Jerry hurts his head! Jason got him to tell him what was wrong, and Nathan told him he was upset cause he didn't have any Birthday Cake! My heart melted when Jason told me this. I don't recall what Jason said to bring him down, but he read him a story, refreshed his music and not long after he was in his dream world.

Poor guy. I wonder what he was thinking at the time he refused the cake... and then again what he was thinking when he remembered he didn't have any and caused him to get so upset.