Christmas, New Years, and half of January!

Hey heys!! Miss me?? I'm still here. Christmas was amazing.. so fun to watch it through the eyes of a 4.5yr old. A little sad news, we had to put our dog down the night before Christmas Eve :( He took sick the Sunday, and had some bad spells on Thursday. It was really hard (still is). Nathan handled it well, we went to the vet together as a family, I told him that Fenris was sick and had to stay at the vets. He gave him a big hug and kiss, got a little emotional with trembling bottom lip, then went out with the receptionist while Jason and I were with Fenris when he was put to sleep. His head was in my lap. I feel better knowing that we made the right decision for Fenris, and didnt' keep him suffering JUST because it was Christmas.. But, man, it was hard!!

Once in awhile Nathan brings up Fenris. Even still.. we'll come home and he'll call out "Fenris, we're home!" Or, randomly say, I miss Fenris.. He said he hears him barking at night. We're still playing it by ear on how to handle it. OH, Nathan wants to be a vet when he grows up now.

Ok.. that said let's get back to Christmas :) My parents came up Christmas day for a feast of Chinese food and the excitement of Christmas Eve. We put out the cookies and milk for santa and a carrot for Rudolf. The excitement in Nathan was contagious, we laughed and played.. no problems going to bed this night!!! In the morning I had Santa leave a colour by number and markers in his room to wake up and play.. that worked all of.. oh about 5 minutes then he had to go Pee. I tried to not let him see the tree.. I failed!

Jason set up a hot wheels cool toy infront of the tree, so he played with that a good half hour or so while everyone woke up and got coffees / snacks then onto opening stockings and presents. Nathan gets so excited and his expressions are worth anything in the world ( we had them all that day!)

New years was a bust. I was asleep on the couch by 10PM.. Jason was so mad at me.. nothing else to report on that night.. hahaha!

Back to preschool.. and playgroup. He's been rough at transitioning again. We're trying to figure out why.. leaving preschool, getting out of the pool, leaving friends house. He didn't even want to go to playgroup Friday morning, then once there, he didn't want to leave. He's been so good about leaving places lately that we don't know where this is coming from. I wish he could just tell us!!

The soother faery came and took away his soothers after a 5 day countdown and social stories. So far so good! Good Job, Nathan!! The faery left behind a Transformer comforter with Bumblebee and Optimus Prime logos. He hasn't mentioned them at all, except to say that the soother faery came and left a surprise!

As for his programs with his workers, he's progressing and probing right out of them. Nicole is almost at a lost since he's so advanced accedemically. His struggles right now are rhyming words, pronouns (still says he, when its a she, or vice versa), who/what/wheres in story books or answering questions about what is being read. He is reading, and wants to read. He guesses alot, or makes up words.. but I think that is normal. I'm just thrilled that he is trying and can break down words.

Our struggles continue to be patterns. omg. only other parents can truely know what this is about! I was at the mall the other day and Nathan wasn't walking properly, melting into an I HAVE TO about his walking on squares.. or avoiding lines.. something along those lines. I sat him in a time out and said I will carry him out if he doesn't walk properly.. anyways.. and older woman sitting on a bench was watching, giving me these looks I can't quite figure out. I don't care. But, I can imagine her thinking.. he's just playing a game. It's not a game. and if it is.. it's HARD!

I hope that catches you all up. I'm here. Things are well. Bloody hell cold outside and dont' know what to do today. Maybe a trip to fabricville before my membership expires end of the month :)

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No title.. just me. Things are going really well here. We are continueing on breaking patterns, forming new ones.. breaking them.. blah.. He holds so strong to his patterns. But, funny thing is, once he breaks them.. that's it.

Work is stressful. I'm tired of it. The mockery, the back stabbing.. the stress in general. Even some guilt that I feel I should have said something.. but, I just wanted to stay out of it. Maybe that was for the best, but knowing the fall out hurt a co-worker makes me feel guilty. I wish I could just take some time off, or not work all together, though that really isn't an option. I just go in.. do my job, feel invisable most of the time. I know it will pass.. work stress always does. But, it sucks.

The snow has come.. decorations are all strewn about. Harry Potter 7 was AWESOME!! Can't wait for part 2. Here at home time is flying fast. I don't know what I need.. but I need something. Maybe a pedicure :)

Shopping is almost done.. just Jason and the parents. I should have that done by the beginning of next week. oh, and stocking stuffers! I made a new friend, and she's been wonderful. It feels so good to have someone to call and just 'chat'.

Find Something Different

So funny, Nathan has been playing.. Find Something Different. He would move things around in the rooms, usually about 4-5 things and ask me to find what's different. It could be a remote control in the plant, table centerpiece on the floor.. or something more vague that makes me ask.. what did you do? It's fun and quite humerous his imagination until we are looking for something we need! Like keys in the fridge... man, he makes me laugh.

It's funny how having a special needs child can escelate such emotions out of a mother. Where milestones are cartwheel worthy, and other emotions can bring you down to your lowest, or fly you up to the skies. He started his therapeutic riding and I have to tell you it swelled me up with such pride to bring tears into my eyes. He's a natural up on that horse, named Spicey which he talks about endlessly. He wears a purple harness, so he says the horse is brown with purple stripes.. lol. They play games on the horse, stop and go.. where he has to say Whoaa and walk on horse! They sing head and shoulders and have to reach forward to touch the horses ears, and reach back to the tail. They spread their arms out like an airplane.. and to see the faces of ear to ear smiles will forever be imprinted in my memory.

There is one boy who is non verbal, and he just couldn't stop smiling the second he was up on the horse to the very end. He would just flap his arms, pat the horses neck and grunt noises.. clearly very happy!! Last week they even did a little trot!

Hallowe'en was a success. I wasn't overly worried, the biggest problem we had was waiting for the night! One night, he would NOT go to sleep until he went trick or treating! Jason had to bring him to the calandar and count down the days.. 3 more sleeps! I can't wait for christmas!!! Hahahaha!!!

Speaking of which.. he wants EVERYTHING!!! for Christmas. Every commercial.. I want that for Christmas.. if a girl toy comes on, he says I don't want that for Christmas.. its a girl toy, I don't want that one. Last year, Dec 14th we got his diagnosis. Stoopid me decided to take the afternoon to the mall to get some shopping alone time in. Well, at that time Nathan wouldn't ask for anything! I used to think I was so lucky and what a good parent I am that has a child I can take out and not want anything. Then I found out why. Anyways, I was in Walmart and a grandparent was with a grandchild who excitedly pointed out all the toys he wanted for Christmas. I broke down crying right there. (I'm crying right now, remembering) It was like my whole world crashed in on me. My son doesn't ask for anything, and that's not normal.. he hardly plays with the toys he has, cause he doesn't know how to play. I left the mall and just sat in my car.. thinking, remembering.. dying inside. Now, I have a child who LOVES to play!! and creatively too! Asking for everything he sees!

Last year, around the middle of November, I started getting Nathan ready for Christmas. Asking what does Santa do (brings presents) what does santa say (ho ho ho). ENDLESSLY did he say I dont' know.. or nothing at all. And I would ask a few times a day. Then one day in December, I ask ok, Nathan.. what does santa do? "Brings presents" OMG! What does santa say? "Ho HO HO! oh my double God!! Tears streaming down my face! And what do you want for christmas? "a car! two Cars" !! *laughs* yes.. I went out and bought him his cars! yep.. escelated emotions.. so huge.

Challenging day

Nathan is being very challenging lately. Getting rigid again, trying so hard to hold onto his patterns. He's upstairs working with Liz, having a mini meltdown over a puzzle. And, I hear him calling MOMMY!! I just have to say, No. He wants his control back, and over different things trying to control his play, walking, even his therapy work. He's purposely leaving things out, acting his foolishness and being whiney, bossy and crying. None of us are having it, which is making him try the harder.

This morning he got very mad at me at a colouring page before Liz came over. Normally, when I don't colour the way he wants to, and gets mad at me I say, fine.. I dont' want to colour with you and pack it all up to put away. This morning, he said to me that he didn't want to colour with me, and went to get a toy to play with his cars. Of course, he demanded I play with him. I told him no, I am going to finish colouring this picture. I wouldn't play with him until I coloured the picture. And, if he continued to be bossy I won't play cars with him after. He focused up, and waited for me to finish, then I played with him.

All morning he's been challenging Liz.. she even confessed to me she's never seen him act like this. She also goes to his preschool, so has gotten to know him quite well. Now, I have to confess I like it when he acts like this infront of his workers, as he does this to me all the time. But, it is getting rather frusterating and hard. He got really upset the other day when I had a friend come over with her 2 girls and they coloured 'messy' in his book. So, I took the page out of the book and said they can colour how they want to. It will be OK, cause its not in your book. After, he got really upset cause the girls left toys on his chair in his room. No big.. just put them away. He's normally really good about things like this, which makes me wonder if I shouldn't just go in his room and totally rearrange his toys.

I think something is happening at preschool that is bringing out these behaviors. But, we don't know what. Something he sees or hears, that we aren't catching. I don't know. It's the only thing I can think of. For a good couple of weeks he wouldn't kiss his dad when he left or came home from work.. or before bed, a good morning.. etc. Boys don't kiss boys.. Hmmpfff. And attitude stance, oh my! We've been working on this that it's ok to kiss your daddies, grampa's, and hug your uncles and aunts. Expressing deeply how important his father is, and it's ok to show love with a kiss. And for friends, and at preschool a 'high five' is the cool way to show you like them. This upsets Jason greatly, but he won't let Nathan get away with it. Even if he has to hold him down.. he's getting his hello and good night kisses. We mentioned this to Laura, who chose her words similar to what we were saying and explained to him it's ok to kiss your daddies, etc. Yesterday, he gave Jason a big hug and kiss. Sometimes he just has to hear it from someone else.

I am SOOO proud of the way he handled a scuttle situation at preschool. One of the boys pinned Nathan against the wall with his throat. Nathan USED HIS WORDS!!!!! (WOW) and said Stop it! It hurts, Not nice!! No pushing!! The teachers seperated them, made the other boy not play with anything until he apologized to Nathan. Next they were playing fine with each other. But, I know it scared and hurt Nathan, he talked about it a couple of times. What do I say? I tell him how proud I am how he handled it so well, and that it was mean for him to do that, and to remember how that feels and not do it to anyone else.

I know things have been crazy here. And still getting into the swing of preschool and his workers, plus us, and company. The company and traveling are all done with for now, so I thought things would start acting normal again. We'll just have to wait and see. Maybe he is just still tired.

Catching up

Things have been absolutely crazy here. The past month involved starting a new preschool, Jason going away for a couple weeks on a course, my dad coming up from Ottawa, a visite from my mom, a weekend at the in-laws, and a final visite from my dad and Marion. In some ways I see Nathan's progressions and in other ways I see him getting worse. I'm really hoping this is just because of all the transitions and new things.. oh.. I forgot, he also has a new ASW working with him.

He has been doing more oral stims, sloshing spit around his mouth / tongue. Sticking his tongue in and out.. other oral things, sound makings etc. And his side gazing has come out more as well. He's doing well controlling his frusterations when we try to break his rigidness.. but its hard. It's hard on us. To see him this way, the struggles he is dealing with within school and at home.

The other day in preschool he had a turn with the scissors and he drew then cut out a sword, with handle, hilt and blade. Very impressive :D He loves swimming and is getting the rules down that he can go by himself without the help of a TA. Tomorrow we are going on a field trip. I volenteered my time to go with them, and I can't wait!! We're going to the country pumkin ( a place we have gone numerous times as a family ). It will be his first time on a bus, and I can't wait to see his face :) And watch him with his peers.

Nathan handled himself very well with his daddy gone for that length of time. He did say that he missed him. And asked throughout on and off "where's daddy?". He showed some behaviors, but nothing serious enough that a little time out didn't calm him down. Feeding is still on going, but we are making huge progress! He's had scrambled eggs, cheese whiz, mashed potatoes, fish sticks, and lucky charms with milk in it, some noodles, but he isn't fond of those at all! And the other day at Timmies' he asked for a donut.. he had 2 bites before he couldn't take it anymore. That was his first donut, ever!

We had a short, but busy visit with the in-laws, and I had a chance to talk to Jason's mom and sister. I feel good that I was able to add some insight, and so very proud of Nathan, for them to see him and know him a bit more. I encourage you to ask questions, and add support. We love you :) We all fell in love with the babies. And had our share of snuggles and cuddles. Even Nathan showed love and gentleness and concern. There was only one situation that had me concerned when the babies were crying, Nathan put his hands over his ears and was crying himself asking for it to stop. Once he passed that, he was fine.. and continued to be fine when the babies would cry again.

We are have a fabulous time with Dad and Marion. It always goes so quickly though.. I insist we need one more day!!! Maybe next year :( I'll have to get on their case about that. I'm sure I'm leaving things out.. and I am going to try and post more often, so when I do post it isn't so long and scattered. I can add more detail on what is going on :)

Thinking of ya's

I'm still here.. Been thinking alot of what to post.. so much to catch up on. I'll be back in a couple of days and fill in.

Have a good weekend :)

Bold Cashier

Just sharing this because I kinda thought it was comical. We were at a department store this afternoon and it was pretty busy so we had to wait in line. Nathan was literally bouncing off the walls. I'm the type of mother who follows the rule that just what I think is cute.. others do not. So, I'm saying to Nathan stand like a pencil.. or sit still with your hands on your lap.. To no avail.. hehe.. He just keeps giggling, jumping, dancing.. acting completely foolish.

Mind you.. he only hit the old man in front of us, and thankfully, older people tend to like children and only laughed and tried to talk to Nathan, which unfortunately just 'egged him on. By the time we actually got to the greasy haired teenage cashier everyone was watching him. And he knew it.. so he continued on with his foolish show.

Finally, I got my purchases bagged and ready to go, there were about 4 people waiting behind me, thankfully, they seemed patient enough with my handfull. The cashier said to me.. " he seems young right now, but if he keeps bouncing around like that, you should go get him diagnosed. He might be ADHD. I was stumped for a second. Then looked her in the face and said, "Actually, he's been diagnosed with Autism.. has been for a couple of years now."

OMG! You should have seen the look on her face! A couple shades paler, mouth smaller with a silent 'oh'. HAHA.. then I said, and you should be more careful who you say that to. Then gathered my purse and left not even looking back.

Mashed Potatoes

This fall is our goal to get Nathan eating properly... well.. at least more of different foods. It has been an endless battle between my husband and I for a couple of years now. We are both frusterated with Nathan's rigidity towards foods to the point where if the chicken nugget has specks of black from the stoneware, he won't eat it. Over the summer, during snack time we got Nathan to eat cheese and grapes. Now, he goes for cheese first.. grapes are still inconsistent, but with prodding will eat them. Banana's are still hit and miss. He hasn't eaten his cereal with milk in it since that day he blew me away :( And last week, after a 45 minute battle over toast and peanut butter, he ate cheese whiz sandwhich cut out in cookie cutters in shapes of tools for his afternoon snack.

Now, I know when he does go to school he has cheese whiz and cheese he can take. I try my hardest to keep him on healthy snacks, meals.. but it is always the same. So, fast forward to the now and our committment to get Nathan to eat 'meal food'.

Today, Laura (his worker) and I tried mashed potatoes. It was tough, but with a heavy reinforcer he ate it!!! At supper, with the same reinforcer he ate the rest of the mashed potatoe. My husband wasn't keen on the 'toys at the table method' but it worked. And I have to tell you all.. I broke down crying. All of a sudden my chest and throat swelled up, and my eyes got teary. I got a picture in my head of taking Nathan to my parents.. or the in'laws and putting mashed potatoes on his plate and him eating it!!!

I know we are into a battle. We'll meet many shields and reinforcers will wear off and have to figure out new ones.. and who knows what will happen tomorrow when we try the mashed potatoes again. And then carrots... etc. I'm not going to push meat, he's on chicken nuggets and I want to keep them familiar on his plate as we are introducing different textures, tastes and colours.

If anyone has any advice, recipes or ideas.. please share :)

Right now, he has his breakfast, lunch is PB, supper is smiley / curly french fries and chicken nuggets. His snacks are cheese, crackers, yogurts, fruit candy things.. stuff like that.

YES!!!!

Recieved the call from YMCA and Nathan and his worker is accepted at their Preschool program. I'll be going in on Tuesday morning for registration and tour. It's a little more out of my way, 4 mornings a week Mon - Thurs. His worker will be coming over 2 afternoons a week and a social skills group at the center 1 afternoon a week.

His articulation of 's' sounds are WOW!! Even being carried over into everyday speech, with simple reminders of repeating the word the right way, to emphasize the target sound, he has come along way. Something clicked in his perspective, visual field and now understands the concept. A game we play is sitting back to back.. I say, I see.. a plant.. he can't see it cause he isn't facing that way.

Multi-step instructions are currently on a 3-step within the room and progress is being made. We try to make this fun and silly.. go get a car, bring it over to the table and put it in your alphabet box. Before.. he refused to do that as his alphabet box was JUST for his letters. Everything has its spot.. right?? He's still rigid about somethings.. his round container of crayons cannot go on a rectangle shelf which holds his markers and pencil crayons, only his write and wipe books can go there.. his crayons currently have no home, and there fore are constantly being moved from table to table.

Things are on track again after a week of alot of phone calls. I still have to call his old daycare to let them know that Nathan won't be attending their preschool this year. I'll do that on Monday.

Road block

After speaking with Nicole about having a worker going to Nathan's daycare 3 mornings a week.. turns out that the daycare won't allow her to come in. But, she will hire a TA to come in and work with the worker while attending to Nathan's needs. I don't quite understand the reasoning, but apparently she had a bad experience in the past and made the decision not to allow outside workers to come in. To me, this makes no sence, Nathan's worker would be the TA. We aren't out to disrupt any programing, just to help Nathan with social queues and instructions.

Advice from the center.. find a new daycare. This sucks. I like Nathan's daycare, he's been there now for 2 seasons, its affordable for me. But, I am also completely aware that Nathan needs this help in social. This is where his holes are. I see it, and the center sees it when Nathan in his programs at the center which ends end of August. I left a message at the YMCA that was recommended and the Autism Center has worked with in the past. That really is my only hope if I am to have a worker go with Nathan to preschool. The other options I tried are way out of my pricerange and not what I am looking for.. If I do that.. I mine as well go back to work full time, and then Nathan would lose more hours of intervention.

Nothing can be done now except for wait until I hear back from the YMCA. Its also late in the season, Mid Aug.. I'm cutting time short for registrations. Hopefully there will even be a space open for him, and it's in my price range.

New fall programming

It's so hard to believe that fall is on it's way. When I book my appointments, we're talking in September. We all had an amazing summer! And thankfully with the early season we were really able to enjoy it earlier then ever.. In May, instead of June. Nathan had a couple weeks off for his therapy, J and I had our vacations, surprise visite from my brother and his family. Time at the cottage and on the beach. I could say that I think this was the best summer ever.. but then again, I think I say that every year.

Nathan is doing really well at his 'off to school' program and social skills. Laura still comes over the afternoons he isn't at the center. And he has his soccer ( when it isn't raining or too hot). Last nights soccer was nice in the fact that there were fewer kids then normal, and the coaches actually took some time with him. Mind you, he gets SO excited that he gets completely foolish and that was the face he wore last night. They played a game that if you hit a pylon with a soccer ball, you have to knock over the pylon. So, that's what he did.. ran around the field knocking over pylons. One of the kids got mad at him cause the game was over and Nathan still ran around knocking over pylons.

Anyways... Last night when I went to pick up Nathan from his program I ran into his clinical supervisor. She sat down with me and started explaining some thoughts she had about his fall programing. Now, Nathan is smart, he has ALOT of acedemic skills. When we go to the dollar store the toy he likes to get are activity books.. or word searches / kids crosswords. Anything to do with letters, dot to dots, and numbers. His reinforcements include these games.. if you do this, you can do a page in 'the' book. So, with fall coming I'll be putting Nathan back into daycare for 3 mornings a week, Nicole wants to include that in his 20 hours a week. His worker would be going to his daycare those 3 mornings, and then to my house the 2 afternoons and keep his social skills 1 afternoon a week. She says that he is way beyond where he should be at 4 and is flying through his programs and has learned to learn, and she is at a lost on what to continue teaching him on a one to one basis.

I understand this is good news... but at the same time, I kinda felt my heart fall. I feel like we just started (in April), the summer has been busy and he's missed quite abit due to strep throat, vacations.. this and that.. He has just started catagorizing and learned the difference of vehicles and furniture. He still doesn't know the differences of breakfast foods to supper foods. And they havent' even touched his eating disorder. I mean, yes, I can work on alot of the catagorizing myself, but sometimes he doesn't even listen to me. I can't get him to draw a picture :(

Having a worker go to his daycare is an awesome idea, as he does need that social help. Alot of behaviors come out in a social setting and with that direction it can help him alot. Especially in a typical daycare that is busy, noisy and full of normal kids. I dont know why I feel like this. Maybe it just takes more out of my hands and into others. I also feel like they haven't met his 'shields' cause they are doing all the things that he loves. I almost dare them to try feeding him something out of his comfort zone. Or, not letting him finish something he really has to finish. But, then again, what if that is what they do at the center? Put a time limit on a craft ( for example) and if he isn't finished, then too bad? Laura is usually really good at filling me on what happens since I can't be there to observe ( stoopid confidentialty rules). Nicole is going to his program Thursday afternoon to observe and will write me out a report, we'll get together next week to talk about it, and how I feel about the new schedule.

Right now, his biggest progression is his language. Answering questions is still hit and miss, depending his mood. I read on another blog an interview she did with her 4 year old, and I am going to write one up and share it. His play skills are still very basic and still plays one way.. although, he has really opened up his Bakugans (no pun intended) that he can play with them without the cards, or have them on different cards. We don't need a map everytime we do something, but every once in awhile he'll ask for one. Sticker charts are an amazing tool. He still gets quite upset when someone else isn't following the rules, or if they are playing the 'wrong' way.

Stay close for that interview, and an update after I meet with his supervisor. When his worker comes over this afternoon, I'll be talking to her too. Isn't it amazing how you can feel so proud and frusterated at the same time?

Just seen the family off

My brother and his family were up for the week, and just left this morning. They arrived last saturday to a BBQ and campfire, then off to the cottage for a week. Nathan was SOOO excited about his cousin Vincent coming up, he's 5. And taught Nathan so many things in the few days we were together. The favourite was the word Buttocks. Nathan thought that was the most hilarious word ever and used it everytime he had a chance! He also introduced him to a DS, swimming in the ocean, hermit crabs and shell collecting.

He looked up to his cousin Alex and thought Aneka so pretty. Aunt Natalie was his own personal tickle monster and Uncle Steve so cool. We spent about 4 days on the beach together, running, swimming and alot of laughing. Soaking up the sun.

He almost slept through them leaving, and woke up just in time to see them off. He was so sad, but handled himself well. He curled up with me for a bit after, then into a little ball on the couch. Jason dug out his train tracks and all is well again. But I know for a fact, that he will remember this summer with his cousins for a LONG time.

Love you guys, miss you already! So glad you had the chance to come up.

Cereal With Milk !!

Nathan had his cereal this morning with milk IN IT!!!!!! I feel like I'm on top of the world!! Yes, he got a sticker for his chart!!

He wanted a treat for breakfast, I said, no.. you need to have a real breakfast. Why not Fruit Loops? He said sure!!

When I asked him to get it out, while I got his bowl, he changed his mind for ABC's cereal (alphabets). Then he wanted a spoon, I watched him put an X on his spoon to eat it and thought I would try to ask him if he wanted milk. He said, "Sure." with a little giggle. Sure enough! He sat at the table and ate his cereal with milk in it! Said he LOVED IT!!

I am SOOO HAPPY!!!!!

I'm Back :)

I didn't really realize how long its been since I caught up in here.. J. and I had a fabulous couple of days away. My favourite was a Sunday afternoon, lying on the bed dozing on and off, reading my book.. it was bliss :) We both said that we HAVE to do this again, and remembered how important it is for us to be just together.

Summer is coming to a beginning, already in the middle of June. My gardens are gorgous this year and we are planning on re-siding the house. Jason is going to take Nathan camping this weekend and is really looking forward to that.

ok.. that all caught up.. lets get caught up with Nathan. He's tired. We have him in soccer 2 nights a week, daycare 3 mornings a week, with his worker 4 afternoons, and a playgroup Friday afternoons. His clinical supervisor would like to put him in a pre-school programs designed for the kids going to school in the fall. She says, Nathan has advanced skills that he would fit in perfectly and could really benefit from the socialism of it. That would be 2 afternoons a week. I am waiting to hear back from his supervisor to get her intake.. but more then likely, I will be taking him out of daycare for the summer. That would leave him with just the autism center in the afternoons and 2 nights of soccer.

I love that he is going to playgroup at the center. He's only gone to 2, so far. The first week he was gold. Did everything he was supposed to, and was a model student / boy. Last week, he was foolish. And in away, I was glad they got to see this part of him. As I don't know how to put in words these behaviors he gets. Its like he doesn't know how to act.. so he's foolish, a joker. You may think, yea.. that's normal.. and it probably is, but add some atypical behavior in there and you got a child that is trying so hard without knowing how.. and its all coming out wrong.

He loves his soccer, but it is frusterating at times. Jason and I went last night together and we decided to keep him in it, but it did make us sad inside. It brings out his 'autism' in the group team work. There are alot of kids that play, and 2 coaches. Last night they had a 3rd which really helped the kids who have fallen behind, or didn't hear. . And I don't know how many times either Jason or myself ran onto the field to direct Nathan back to where he should be. There were a couple of games that Nathan really enjoyed, and played well in. It was really only when he had to wait, or didn't hear the direction. But, if J. went to Nathan and explained what he had to do.. he was fine.

Taking a long weekend just for me and my husband

I don't know who's this is going to be harder on. I've only spent 2 nights away from Nathan when he was only 2. Now, he's 4. Being much older, he's going to notice our absence more. He's in the best hands, being his Gramma (Mamma) :) One thing is for sure, he LOVES her, and I have nothing to worry about him being in her care for this weekend. And, I know, I am going to go reconnect with my husband and have a blast. I asked Jason what he is looking forward to most and he replied.. just walking around the boardwalk, stopping into stores and pubs.. playing a game of pool, having a drink.. then walking around some more. It's going to be exhilerating to be on our own time. I'm looking forward to the hot tub, shopping, maybe hitting a club saturday night.. and the buffet breakfasts. I love St. John and anxieties aside, I'm REALLLLLY looking forward to this weekend.

I'm glad my mom knows Nathan so well.. with his eating disorders and little things that make him who he is. I can picture them playing together, and laughing. He's loving knock knock jokes and is able to make up his own jokes.. his favourite is impatient cow, impatient cat.. frog, dog, sheep, lion.. yea.. it just goes on and on.. each one making him laugh even harder. He also loves to draw and print. His sight words are astounding and it won't be long before he does start reading, I'm sure. I think today, Ill stop off at the dollarstore and pick up some of those activity books for some quiet time, as he can easily get sucked into those. He got one for his birthday that I believe he has done and redone at least a million times.

I'm so proud of Nathan, and I love that mom can come to spend time with him, get to know his progressions and I know he will blow her away. He does to me everyday. It's these moments.. memories that kinda form a lump in my throat. However.. having company spending a couple days in my house reminds me exactly how 'messy' I let things go. Everywhere I look.. gahh.. I'll be doing my best in the next couple of days to make sure it's to my satisfaction.

So.. Nathan's quirks.. hmm.. man, where do I start. He acts out shows to play, and can get mad if you get the characters wrong. When he has his peanut butter toast, he likes a bit of PB on the a spoon first, and asks 'I have peanut butter'. If he has a bath, no matter if the water is absolutely perfect, you have to add a bit of cold water for him to feel before he gets in, or he immediatly freaks out it's too hot. Just like any 4 yr. old, you have to remind him to eat, sometimes using reinforcements to get him to finish. Limit his TV / computer time. Using a clock or timer works best, and tell him if he doesn't turn it off nicely, then no more TV/ computer time. Dora needs to be limited.. sometimes just saying choose something else works.. sometimes not. He likes to watch a show before bed with a small snack and of course his story in bed. I'm sure I'm making a bigger deal then it's worth, but I am leaving my son over night for TWO nights.. hehe. If he's 'not quite himself' just send him to his room and tell him he can come out when he's in a better mood. You want to see his happy face. It's funny thinking of these things. All the things we do as a mom ingraded into our being, that we just do without thinking. Without thinking someone has to do all the things we just 'do.

I know deep in my heart everything is going to be ok. And, we are only 45 minutes and a phone call away. And, I am going to thoroughly enjoy my weekend with J. And I am not going to make it about leaving Nathan.

Titleing my posts are getting hard...

Yesterday we took Nathan to Physio and he passed his grosse motor skills!!! He is on par with an average 4 year old :O) This pleases me to no end. He is still quite sloppy with his running, but is taking longer strides. He needs to work on going downstairs like a 'big boy', but she thinks that is more out of habit then inhabitions. He also needs to work on walking on beams (one foot in front of other). Also, riding his Trike. His clinical supervisor asked me if she would like for them to work on his pedaling.. and my reply was, please don't take that away from me too. I didn't mean for it to be mean. Or imply anything of it. But, those were the words that instantly came out of my mouth. I felt bad for the way it came out. So far they have taken my afternoons, teaching him drawing, speaking, puzzles, playing.. etc. All the things I used to do in the afternoons. Our spontaniety (spelling?), able to just hop in the car go to the park, nursery, outside, watch a movie.. you know.. stuff you do with your child when your a stay at home mom.

There is not much more enjoyable for a mother to watch her husband teaching our son how to ride a bike. Sure, its slow going.. we're going on our second year of this. And just the other day, he pushed his feet to pedal about 5feet before getting all frusterated and wanting to walk or run. He sees the bigger kids riding their bikes, and I know he is close. It's just a matter of it 'clicking'.

We aren't sure what is going on with Nathan. He is doing a noticable side gazing with his eyes. It was VERY prominate yesterday at his appointment. These are the stims that set him apart from his peers. It's recent, this side gazing, and the Clinical Supervisor seems to think that it is sensory for him, not attention seeking. She asked us to ignore it, not to bring attention to it. Now, we are required to fill out a chart with time, activity and frequency of this. He's always done wierd things with his eyes and I had his eyes tested twice. She thinks he likes how things look out of his peripheal vision. He also likes to play around with his forehead muscles and squinting.

The programs he is on are working well. He's commenting on things he sees without prompting. He's drawing houses, flowers, rainbows, stick people. He is showing his rigidness when it comes to the use of colours. Now, if anyone knows my son.. he's an amazing colourer. But, you know, some kids have to be taught that you can colour a tree purple.. Nathan has to be taught that trees are green, or the sun is yellow. He's compromising though, which is kinda funny. He'll do some of it Laura's (his worker) way, and some of it his way.

He's improving on self coping. Before he would go to his room to calm down, now he is able to work out his frusterations at the table. His language is improving, and answering questions. He still gets alot wrong, but he's choosing more words to use, and to bounce back with asking the same question, or something that is appropriate, or even completely random. One of my favourite things to ask is "What is your favourite part?" We do this every night, What was your favourite part of today?

His progress binder is already getting quite thick. And Laura has been really wonderful to talk to me about everything she is doing, and the differences of previous attempts. Where his compliance lies, things to 'sabotage' and his strengths. Funny, throughout this therapy it's bringing out both his personality, pride.. but also shows forth his 'autistic' side. And here I was scared that they were going to come over and think There is Nothing Wrong with This Child! Their biggest concern is to keep Nathan challenged as he picks things up SO quickly.

Gardening...

Yep.. Gardening with a 4 year old boy...

No Nathan, you can't take the worms in the house.

No Nathan, you can't put the worms in your pocket.

No Nathan, I don't want to see the worms that close.

Ewww Nathan!! Squirmy the worm does NOT go on my back!!

Coffee and an Update

I am reading a book right now, written by a 12 year old girl. The title is 'The Boy Who Ate Stars'. The caption on the back reads...When I grow up, I want to teach autistic children. I know one already, he's called Matthew and he's my neighbor. Matthew was four when he came into my life and, to be honest, we got off to a rocky start. Now I see alot of him, and each time I can't help thinking how special he is because he's like nobody I've ever met.

I had to take a small break. As I am reading this with a lump in my throat, and I look to Nathan with his worker, and such pride and frusteration hits me. They are working on probes, and programs. He recites the answers like 'Rain Man'. But, he is answering them!! What is your name? Nathan, Nathan Cormier. What is your mommy's name.. what is your Daddy's name. Phone number? Where do you live (today he said 'in a home' yesterday he said earth) Do you go to Daycare? What is your friends name? (sometimes he says an actual name.. other times he says toys) How old are you? (I'm 4, he says with gusto) Do you have a brother? (yea) Do you have a sister? (sometimes he says yea.. other times he says.. No, I not a sister, I a big boy!!) Do you have pets? (a pig, a bird, a fish..) What are their names?(pig, bird, fish..) But, other times he answers those perfectly. Nish is a black cat. Ostara white, brown, and black cat... etc..

These probes are just basic.. they will get more complicated and involved. And as he gets some wrong, he will be taught over and over until he does get it right. It does get pretty scriptive. But, I guess that is a start to forming a base, and then as his communication developes he can add more onto it. Like, we were out the other day. And someone asked him what his name was, he said.. My name is Nathan, and This is my Mommy. He does show pride, and wants to learn.. and it ticks me off to no end when for years I've asked him 'How are you? (I don't know).. I say, I'm good. anyways.. just after a couple days Laura has him saying.. I'm good. I could pull out my hair. Using the same way that I have been working with him. Lol.

Right now he is fixated on dot to dots.. or Connect the dots. It's hard to get him to try something else. Or he gets mad. We are working with him to use words instead of actions.. saying, Whatever, That's fine'. It's pretty cute hearing him say that one. or No big deal, It's OK. It allows him to self-talk through difficult times.

So far, he is flowing through his programs. Yesterday, he got 3 out 16 steps correct.. Today, he got 6!! Another one, yesterday he got 20%, today he got 40%. He doubled in a day. These are based on a craft program that he has to do as much as he can by himself without prompting, or what not.. like, colouring, cutting, pasting. Its all on a 'map' that he has to follow.

So far, they haven't gone back to 'sabotaging'. I think they are just getting these programs into play. Teaching him self talk and independant play. As more programs come in.. or his perfectionist comes out, or as more behaviors surface then we will deal? I don't know. He's so random and inconsistent as to what upsets him and what I think he'll freak out over, and then he doesn't.

A reminder and an eye opener

It's been awhile since I updated. And, trueth be told, I don't know where to begin. We had an awesome Easter weekend with the inlaws, BBQ's and chocolate.. who can ask for anything more. We went to French lake for a day of throwing rocks in the water (one of Nathan's most favourite things to do). Jason took Nathan to the camp with a couple of his friends. I went out with the girls and got re-united with Tequila. Man, what a fun night!!

I'm at a place in Nathan's therapy where things are getting difficult. And getting hard to put into words. I had one of my regular guests today and when she saw me... she saw something and just gave me a hug and asked me what is going on. She knows about Nathan and the intensity of his therapy. I did talk to her and I'm sure left her overwhelmed and her saying she couldn't imagine what I am going through. I can't imagine what I am going through. To hear my son saying 'I want my Mommy' and there is NOTHING I can do... anyways.. let me get on track of what is going on.

Things are coming down now, into his 'programs' and pushing behaviors to sabotage them. Yes, I am using the word sabotage as it is the word the clinical supervisor chose to use. Now, I do like this word. As I am completely aware that Nathan can't go to school, or through life with his behaviors. And he HAS GOT to deal with his emotions and not always getting his way. He is such a perfectionist and can get quite upset if things aren't just so. Just a couple of examples here.. if we are doing a puzzle we have to start with the same piece in a same to same piece sequence. If we get a new toy and play one way.. its always the same way. Jason is better at pushing him and switching things up, getting Nathan going but just to the edge of meltdown. Me.. I push a little, but then I step away and say ok.. well, I don't want to play anymore then. Or try to explain to him that its ok to get upset, or mad.. but you don't always get what you want, and I am going to use this puzzle piece here.

He has Bakugans and knows exactly what bakugan goes with what card. We were playing with them one day. And I said to his worker ( Laura ) 'watch this..' and put a wrong bakugan on a card. Well he fixed it. And it amazed her how he had them all memorized when we are looking at them wondering how the hell he could tell the difference when they are all rolled up as ball. So, we extended on this amazing memory of his and switched a few more. He put them back.. saying 'this bakugan on this card.. this one goes on this card.. etc'. We got him to close his eyes and switched a bunch more. *Laughs* he takes an exasperated breath got upset and put them back. We did it again.. He looks.. then HE switched a bunch up and looks to me and says.. 'Now, you mad'. He wanted me to understand this made him mad.. so he switched them and wanted ME to be mad. I didn't play that game.. we turned it around to be funny, laughing etc.. then put them away.

Ok.. back on track.. The clinical supervisor wanted to see one of his behaviors. And an example we talked about was how he couldn't circle a shape in a pattern sequence that he had to trace it. She said, do you think he would do it now? We tried, and sure enough.. he got quite upset and wanted to fix it. She turned the page, and did it again. Now, there was TWO pages that were 'wrong' he wanted to go back and fix the first page.. knowing now that there were 2 pages.. and she turned the page again and circled the pattern instead of tracing the shape. He went into a full blown meltdown. She turns to me and says " We are going to sabotage that behavior".

Now, I knew going into this therapy that this was going to happen. How could it not? I know my son. I know his issues. But, it was always me dealing with it. I have my strictness and I guess my limits. They are pushing the limits, forcing behaviors to get his reactions. And, I am also completely aware that it is going to get worse. But, at the same time better. They are trained to help Nathan deal with his emotions and to understand its' Ok to do this, or that. Or someone might do it this way, and that's Ok too.

I know this post is jumbled and kinda all over the place. And, I have left things out. Nathan has been random since that visite. Not quite himself. I think he lost a little bit of trust he developed with his worker and she has been trying to gain that back. He's been crying for me, and kinda lost as to what to do. When he cries for me, I have to let it go.. If I get a nod, then I can step in and take my boy in my arms and bring him down. If he wants me to read him a story, I have to talk him into letting Laura read his story when I just want to curl up with him and read him 10.

I am leaving this post now and I can assure you I'll get up in the morning with my morning coffee and fill in the blanks. This one is of the negative side.. the draining side.. The side that has left me weak. I will post the assurances and encouragement that also transpired that is going to make this all worth while. In final.. Pray for us. Pray for Nathan and knowing his is getting the best help he can. Pray for strength. For results.. and a good nights sleep. I love you all, and thank you for your support.

Therapeutic Riding Association

Anyone who knows me, knows my love for horses. I remember being young, living in Moncton, and going for a drive with mom and passing a stable that had children with disabilities riding horses. We stopped to watch for a bit and even at that young age I remember being overwhelmed with emotions. How proud these children looked riding their horse. These children we saw were in wheel chairs and had quite visable disabilities. To see their faces as they walked around the ring impacted into my memory forever.

When I found out about the riding association here in Fredericton I couldn't wait to get Nathan on the waiting list. I know I cried at the thought, knowing my love for horses and remembering those faces. Knowing what horses do for me and the thought of what they can do for those children.

Last night, Nathan went in for his 'trial' ride. We were half way up the road when he says.. oh oh oh, I forgot cowboy hat! So, we turned around to go get it. All the way there we talked about white horses and knights in shining armour. I told him he might have to ride a brown horse, but he was quite adament about a white horse. Skipping ahead to when we got there, there was a white horse and a brown horse, another girl REALLY wanted the white horse, but I was able to talk Nathan into riding the brown horse. He didn't seem to mind at all when it came down to it he let the other girl have the white horse without a fuss.

He amazed me up on the horse. Held his back straight and head high! We weren't allowed in the ring with them, but were in a room with a window that everytime he passed he waved at us. They got him to pass a ring, and to say walk when the they stopped the horse. He started getting tired at the end, which was around his bedtime... but they lined the horses up and let us in to get some pictures. I can't express how proud I am of him.

He is still on the waiting list, but has passed the trial. Now it is just waiting for 3 people his age group for a spring or fall session. I told them I don't mind waiting until fall as Nathan would be just that much older. The drive home was Nathan wanting to ride a horse and I was trying to get him to tell me how it felt. But he was tired and just answered NO to all my questions, though from the look on his face spoke more then his words.